One or a million times, in my past I cried and dreamed about that man...
gave him a ton of names and faces
heard his words every night,
then I woke up and faced the nightmare of the reality of the moment.
and cried beating myself, telling myself to try to keep that nightmare happy
to not be alone...
A million times left those nightmare with faces and hard judgements for me.
A million times decided to live first.
A million times looked back
and thought...
There is not for ever curse or a body that can handle it...
Once or a million times went back on my own words, my images
A million times shared my face with a smile trying to find hope.
and another million times more found that pain behind my eyes.
But Once, yesterday, after a bunch of days without even giving a little sight to this page.
Once by accident, because I was looking for some pictures.
I came here and found all those words, all those tears, all the wounds.
and cried again, for that pain, for those lessons I had to learn.
for those horrible years, (2013, 2014 the worst,2015 the nasty).
I, still, don't understand and ask to my self how or why they wanted to kill my spirit and mind?
But... It doesn't matter anymore!!
Yesterday, while letting my tears, like waterfalls, come out of my eyes
because of that pain I allowed to be given to me.
That man...
Appeared in front of me...
Kissed my eyes saying
- Don't waste those tears, they are precious, and I want to save them for those moments when we are so happy we have to combine them with laughter.
That man...
The One I dreamed one or a million times in my past.
The One I was hoping to find everytime I was walking away from every living, named nightmare.
That man!!
After seing me crying over my writings, kiss my tears and exchange them for smiles,
That man, once again, confirmed He is the one I was waiting for and trying to find
That one Dream I wanted to find on those years of hopes and nightmares....
He sent me a message:
**Butterfly wings brought you to me.. a whisper in the desperation of having that someone. the kind you think may exist... but then you laugh at your own silly thoughts... how?... Where?... Impossible, and just accept what stumbles into your path... then that voice raises, not to be ignored anymore, and you know you must find that ONE, ... and you pray harder and more sincere than ever... and God brings her on butterfly wings... she lands on your life ... and your soul is filled.
love at last, happiness... clip this butterflies wings... she must never have the need to fly again**
Then I remembered how I flew around flames trying to make those nightmares happy and got almost killed between their hands like a horrible insect but...
That man... is mine now, my reality, my life
Now I can fly around him,
drink the nectar from his lips
laugh with him
Enjoy life
fear the time to go away without enjoying it enough
and LOVE!
Well... See Ya!!
My sweet reality just got up... time to LOVE!
PIEDELMUNDO!!
May 25th, 366 days ago...
I can remember my self running around, getting things ready at work, resting my mind from the last few days family activities, being so thankful for what was coming, what I was living and how busy I was then, but at the same time so nervous...
That day I left work very early to get ready for what would change my life for ever...
Unable to sleep the night before, I was looking so awful, a little headache trying to get in me, my fingers cold, but great looking with the "Red Carpet" nail polish. at 2 pm I undressed myself to take a shower and looking at me on the mirror the only thing that came to my mind was... Oh My, Oh Well...
Have, every get ready so quick as that day... Then I looked at the image in the mirror again at 3:45pm, every hair in it place, my toes and finger nails perfectly done, my make up, my dress and my heels, the words that came out of my mouth were...
Please, be good enough before his eyes, hair, please, stay calm, don´t freeze.
Then I heard the sky trying to cry so loud on a thunder, and asked again... PLEASE, just not yet!!
Got in the cab to the airport, his flight would land at 6:30, I got there more than an hour earlier, by those days I was playing Pokemon Go, which helped me to stop thinking and being worrying so much... never felt the hours going so slow... finally at 6 pm the flight appeared on the screen and all the people ran to the door, me on my heels had to simply walk and try to protect myself from the rain, I got a good spot where I was able to see inside the people coming from every flight, In my mind saying, short, black head, another short, black head,..,..., people coming from Medellin, another flight from Bogota, and finally the big flight from Bogota... I was surrounded by a crowd of people trying to find their loved ones, and also transport companies for those who were going to a different town.
Getting tired of that crowd after seeing lots and lots of people (short, black hairs) what was in my mind was... would he recognize me, would he be able to see me, even to hear me? right before me a man from a transport company yelling SINCELEJO, SINCELEJO SINCELEJO, when is this man going to move from here?
And finally I saw him, tall, blonde hair, more handsome that what I was expecting... but walked on another direction... and my mind said, "Yes I really like him, Oh My... are we enough good looking for that man?, what if he doesn´t like us? Oh my, I like him, I´m nervous, Run Forrest... Where did he go? This SINCELEJO MAN is not going to let him see me... I need to put a sock in this man mouth, I can´t even hear my own thoughts...
Then he appeared again, I tried to be funny and kind of hide myself by bending my knees, but his eyes found me, he reached me with a kiss...
366 days ago on a rainy day I met in person my loving husband... I saw him first passing by and felt how my life got changed, those days of looking for my perfect match ended, I found my other half!!
Piedelmundo!!
Por estos dias recibimos la noticia de la hija de mi esposo que PODRIA tener cancer... momento, no piensen mal...
Ante semejante noticia me quede sin saber ni que pensar, mucho menos como actuar, ni como ofrecer apoyo a mi esposo...
Para no hacer el cuento largo por que no es de eso de lo que he venido a escribir hoy... Hoy a las 4 de la madrugada recibio él la noticia de que su hija no tiene esa horrible enfermedad y la vida de todos puede seguir su curso normal...
Pero vine a hablar de Madrastras... la palabra suena horrible. Y aclaro que yo no soy la madrastra de nadie, solo soy la esposa de alguien que tiene unos hijos y mi rol llega hasta alli... no soy la cuñada de nadie ni pretendo ser mas que esa persona que contrajo matrimonio con alguien mas... Punto!!
Pero... como siempre la mente vuela mucho y aveces algunas personas preguntan mas de lo que deben
Recuerdo con claridad cuando niña una amiguita hija de un amigo de infancia de mi padre, dicha niña iba de paseo a mi pais natal cada navidad o vacacion, sus visitas solian ser bastante seguidas hasta que su papá le puso una MADRASTRA... hahah recuerdo tanto las conversaciones entre mi prima, la amiga y yo, de cuan mala era esta señora y lo horrible que era tener una MADRASTRA, recordarlo ahora resulta chistoso por que muy seguramente en esas mentes infantiles todo era exagerado.
Debe haber alguna MADRASTRA buena... yo no me la he tropezado.
Pero de que hay MADRASTRAS malas, las hay... si mis propios hijos se han enfrentado a una que en vez de tratar de ganarse su para bien, ha hecho hasta lo imposible por que el padre se olvide de ellos... Pobre mujercita, que siga intentando!!
Es que acaso no es la idea ser amigos todos? y tratar de ser felices? Ahora yo... no puedo decir que soy la dulzura en pasta pero no trato de ser la madre de nadie y siempre trato de estar al margen, lo mas neutral e invisible posible...
Ahhhh es que nadie piensa en como es recibida la mujer, si hay aceptación o no de parte de los hijos y los demas integrantes de la familia... no es facil ser vista como la MADRASTRA y tanto menos sentir que nos estriegan en la cara que jamas llegaremos a ser nada mas que la esposa.
Esta ultima parte para mi resulta tan triste... por que nunca he pretendido ser nada mas y me encantaria poder dejarlo claro, pero las barreras del idioma y la cultura, ademas que podria ser malentendida y perder lo mas preciado que es mi esposo...
Bueno con la noticia del famoso cancer lo que vino a mi mente, Ok, él que se quede contemplando a su hija, yo me voy a ver a mis hijos... y me dijeron mis propios hijos que no era un bonito pensamiento, me alegre tanto al saber que era una falsa alarma por que asi podre ver a mis hijos pronto... yo no soy la madre y no pretendo serlo, Yo no soy la MADRASTRA MALA, solo soy la ESPOSA DEL PADRE!!
Bueno... por ahora se las dejo ahi!!
Piedelmundo!!
Lluvia en el paraíso...
Si estoy feliz, tengo, tal vez, mas de lo que algún día imagine y desee tener.
Pero... llueve en el paraíso
Hoy me levante con dolor en mi cuello, mire a mi esposo aun dormido y entre abriendo sus ojos al sentir moverme de su lado, me regala una sonrisita y me dice que me veo hermosa...
Pero... me llueve en el paraíso
Mientras cepillo mis dientes y descubro a esa mujer cada día mas vieja en el espejo, pienso en el día de ayer y las conversaciones sobre mi pasado, la idea de preguntar sobre su pasado me asalta pero no quiero saber, mi presente, mi paraíso es perfecto y decido sacudir esas ideas absurdas de derramar sobre su cabeza tantas preguntas... la idea de borrar ese tatuaje me apuñala por la espalda dejando un borrón en mis labios donde se encontraba una sonrisa con forma de beso...
Maldición... hay un hermoso sol brillante entrando por mi ventana, pero tal como en mi sueño de anoche... llueve, llueve de manera imperceptible, no veo las gotas caer, pero siento el agua en mi rostro, las gotas se encuentran suspendidas en el aire y solo si me muevo rápidamente se pegan a mis vestiduras... definitiva mente llueve en el paraíso.
Llueve en el paraíso y no se por que... si soy feliz y tengo mas de lo que alguna vez imagine... si amo y me aman, si no me falta nada pero aun así me siento como ese pajarillo en jaula de oro, necesito mi voz, necesito mis alas secas y dispuestas a volar, pero no quiero volar sola, quiero volar junto a El, quiero dejar de ser un ente extraño con una sonrisa y sin voz...
Llueve en mi paraíso... pero mañana tendré un día soleado!!
Piedelmundo...
Creo que ya olvide como se reacciona ante ciertos estimulos...
querer creer y creer en verdad las palabras que escucho son dos cosas distinta
y ya olvide como se reacciona ante esas palabras que se esperan
que en vez de estar danzando ante la mejor de las noticias,
lo unico que puedo sentir es este miedo absurdo y el frio humedo de mis mejillas empapadas de lagrimas
En vez de tener un millon de palabras para contestar solo guarde silencio
y me deje ganar por este miedo absurdo.
que ahora no me deja ni escribir
y me trae a la mente un millon de situaciones
I started to write this last march... when we started talking, I was so afraid of his words, because all those predators started the same way, then I would be so hurted again and pain because of love is even worst than physical pain...
Can´t recall how I decided to trust and let my heart open to his words, and nowdays I just apologise with him for those days of silence when he tried to show me his love, when he was giving me his heart...
It is hard to get hurt, but the main idea is to learn, take what is good and leave the rest... if someone is not able to love you, let it go, it is not his fault to be unable to love... you love yourself and find that one that is loving you and looking for you, your perfect half, the one made for you, who doesn´t judge you and is there for you as you are for him, to share happiness and love for ever!
Sorry... every person talk about the party depending on the experience... my experience taught me that in the party were many bad dancers. but it was not finished yet and my love was there looking for me to dance and laugh!!
Piedelmundo!!!
I can tell 2016 was the best year ever... I found what I always wanted and is definitely awesome to have such joy and pleasure,,, so, 2017 is more that what I expected.
Yes what I found is my husband, I won´t start saying how good or bad he is what he does or he doesn´t because I´m not selling him...
But the purpose of this post is to say THANKS to my past... even to the most horribles years. late 2013, entire 2014 and some of 2015...
Sometimes enjoying the view tasting some coffee, my mind flies to the past and I wish I can delete those terrible moments, that horrible people that hurted me so bad, but one time talking with my husband about how we were before those experiences, we found out that our past was important for us to be who we are, we had to suffer to be better and appreciate our present and work for our future together...
So... Thank you past for being hard and made me a better person, thank you for showing me what is not love, what is not kindness, how I was not loving my self, but most of all for being past... far from me now when I found happiness and my days are full of tears of joy!!
Good bye past...
Piedelmundo!!!
to not be alone...
Kissed my eyes saying
