It´s All Coming Back to me AGAIN!!

All is coming back again... 

I just want to leave everything behind

continue walking, smiling

not having any memory of anything that put me down again

i had two terrible years...

2013 and 2014 

I believe in dreams... and I had a nightmare the other night 

about me flushing some water but when I came back to see if that were gone 

that water was still there 

then i tried  and got concerned bcz it was moving but leaving 

untill the last time i tried to flush and finally went away but leaving some  blue fishes

what the blue fishes means I don´t know.. I don´t care

The fact is that when David

 appeared AGAIN  in my life I accepted as nothing, I started talking  again but without putting my heart, wishes and hopes on him again... even leaving him, promising to come back but ignoring him... 

but yesterday... yesterday he had to say those words

 if i knew you really desired me. i would be there having relationship with you

really?? really?? 

DAMN!! not again... ure not going to play with my mind again... because of you I got a horrible 2014

because I was looking for ur eyes, ur skin, ur personality... that kind of person who was walking, enjoying the nature

I was looking for you and got the most despicable, vile, repugnant, disgusting, MISERABLE, humiliating, vulgar being I have ever met in my whole life.

I was looking for ur blue eyes and got the most humiliating eyes have ever seen me that were connected to that horrible tonge, telling me how terrible i looked "I never thought you would use a bikini with THAT (notice the poisson) tummy"

Those unrespectable eyes that were jumping all over thinking they can get any chick without calling up HIS AGE, A STUPID, BROKE  OLD MAN 16 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. an Old Fart as U call that type of man... hahahah

I was looking for your hands and got those nasty hands that were burning my skin, those hands that have never touch and create anything good 

Those destructive hands that hit me once...

Not again David go on ur trips, do ur life, let me miss u... I wont look for u again and wont let u play with my mind again

I can love u 

but i wont allow u to do that to me again... I wont run to the first asshole as I did on Dec 2013 

Take your bubble... whatever color that is and let me stay in my blue bubble...

somehow I got off from all that mud that was not letting me move 

No, not again If i go walking, and enjoying nature will be because i like it, not because I´m trying to find in the wind the smell of ur skin or try to see and enjoy the nature the way u do...or even try to find u there 

i will find myself and enjoy my own nature as it is...

Sorry David but not again...

It´s all coming back to me AGAIN...

busy with my own things... trying to get my mind away from his (David)  blue eyes 

I watch a video for work, students learning english, a class somewhere... somewhere.... 

SOMEWHERE?? THERE!! Philippines... 

And again ALL IS COMING BACK TO ME ... 

It was so long ago but is coming all to me now, it  was gone with the wind but.. 

ITS ALL COMING  BACK TO ME 

NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO..... not again

and when i thought my tears were all dry and didn´t have one

a rain is coming and soaking my cheeks

Trying to forget and watching the video i remember his face and a question of some datingsite 

"Is there any ex you would really want to see again??

everytime i see that question i´m tempted to answer 

but...

who would consider someone who is willing to see again the man she loved the most (after her son) if i say the truth

and if i say no.. i will be lying

I just watch that question for a couple of minutes then i move on...

Why is all this coming back to me??

Why? I´m not trying to be sad to write a word

I´m not thinking of Alan

I´m avoiding David

I´m busy with my life

moving on 

smiling 

walking 

feeling the wind on my face

smelling the flowers 

appreciating the light of someone eyes when he sees me 

sincerely smiling back to him

But today with that video...

with those words from David last night 

Is All coming back to me Again

I Decided to write this because i want this to be the last flush

place all the pictures,

place the videos...

cry if i have to

Write a letter to David explaining why i will abandon our meeting for some weeks 

while i forget and get strong again 

if he is there when i´m back is ok if not... oh well 

or i might not even come back to say bye

Send a kiss to my sweet Alan Ames

Wishing the best for him

Then i will get up 

take a shower

will dress up 

put make up on 

take a smile and will go out 

because my past wont lead again my life 

wont push me to the first old fart i find 

I might not be happy 

I might have my eyes wet 

my heart could be hurted 

but 

I know i feel all this because i love 

because i´m alive 

and I´m ready to continue living!!! 

I´m not sure if this is the last flush 

but...

For now, I´ll leave it there!! 

Piedelmundo!!