Did u finish or not??

Today...
After a while talking and studying with my daughter i told her to call my mom to tell her something silly, she came with my dad and i felt so far from them, so abandoned here in this place...

i love my place, my independance but, i think im tired of being alone...

Well that was not the subject so... as my metodologia teacher says let´s take the bus to Cartagena and go there, no to another part where we are not to go...

so... when i saw them there i realized i cant just kick them out of there and continue studying,we spent about 30 minutes with my dad there, then my mom was asking for the people around me as my friends, i knew where she wanted to go to, so kicked him out of the territory...
when she finally got it she asked about Chip , the last update was the best ever, so she got really surprised when i told her
its finished...
then she asked what happened, i was just moving my head holding a tear, im a very strong woman, my daughter and mother are watching me...
she kept asking and asking
what happened, u went to Santa Marta and that was good...
then i started there....
yes we went to Santa Marta and that WAS wonderfull.

nothing like that before, but that was a dream and the daylight came...
was very hard for me to tell her the details of what happened
her face was turning from surprise to other feelings.... 

and im pretty sure he stilll doesnt know why i got mad
he still think i just want him to be a prisoner of a relationship...
is sad,,,
but as i thot about  Alan one time and our missunderstandings...
languaje is a big barrier that doesnt let people comunicate correctly, and not only that
when the words are coming out. there are many filters for the feelings as fears, what the other may think.. if i tell all i feel, how that person will react?
many filters that i cant really describe now, unfortunally, my english is not that large and at this point i 
think it wont, im getting tired of the languaje and the missunderstandings.
That is another subject take on another time...

Well... as i describe the whole picture to her, she was very surprised
and her question  was everytime
But, did u finish or not?
and she had that wondering face
and everytime i heard those words
i did ask to myslf
Did i finish yes or no?
Do i still have in my mind a place for a coming back?
who is going to come back?
for me i´m right, so im not the one who has to try anything
for him, he is right... so in his position would never ask to even talk bcz he is sure i have understand who he is and what he want...

WELL...

If i finished or  not i dont know... i just dont know...
I have him on my fb friend list and I´m afraid to see there the post of a new girlfriend
a new date that was so nice after some months talking to eachother and finally the moment came and has being so good since...
i dont think he care if i delete from my fb list, since he told me to do so if i want to 
maybe he can throw away all those 5 mnths 
i cant, even when i feel and think is the best for us 
i just cant...
to be with him is like being a mother, and a terribly boring wife... 
i guess that is the reason he need to talk with his friends and flirt with any woman that appears on his dating sites...
im not that kind of mother or boring wife... and im sad i became to be that...
very sad!!!

Thinking about my mother question....
Did i finish or not???
I DONT KNOW... 
and i know  that if i ask him he will say yes, we did bcz of a bunch of reasons....
or even worse 
he would say  a bunch of things to make me feel good, that will make me smile for a couple of minutes but after that, i will realize those are just words coming from his bussiness mind, a polite way to say, if this is what u need to hear i can give you the correct answer bcz of my great  experience 
but you will find the truth after a couple of days of silence... 

What i would love to do is to stop loving him
be able to see him and dont feel anything
just smile bcz is a good person
but love him 
be able to help him as the foreignor he is here and i was in panamá 
give him my friendly hand 
I was a foreignor in Panamá and is not easy
I have been alone for a long time and is not easy neither 
Im not saying he needs me 
Im not saying he doesnt have friends 
what im saying is 
in the case he doesnt find anybody willing to help him 
if all the people is busy 
and in his list of people that he met sometime i´m still included 
and he is in need 
i just will respond to his call 
i will give him my hand and help him !!
at this moment i would really love to be able to sit by his side and laugh with him
i dont want to kiss him
or have sex
just sit by his side and laugh
just expecting the joy of sharing a friendship 
what i was expecting, it was  to be, that 25th of Dec

i think i was so thirsty for a kiss
and made a mess of everything...
him, as always, polite... 
did respond 
but we didnt know how to stop all this...

Unfortunally... 
the movements were not correct and now 
i lost a friend 
and im still alone!!!

Jm... what i wonder is 
what is that i dont know, he just kept saying...

U dont know anything 















by my understanding is imposible to know  anything if u dont receive the knowledge from the one who has it 
well... 
it is already late to ask what is that i didnt know
sad... very sad!!!

mmmm...
Did i finish or not??
I dont know... i think i didn´t 
but im sure he did!!!


Piedelmundo...