Desde las 3 de la manhana en pie, callando un poco los pensamientos con un tanto de lectura, por lo menos trato de alimentar la mente con algo de servicio...
exacto a las 5 comienzan las horas laborales, y comienza este tornado de ideas, recuerdos, pensamientos llanto, ira, dolor, cansancio, silencio y gritos todo alli combinado,,,
un tornado y yo estoy parada en el centro observando todo, recibiendo los golpes de cada recuerdo y trato de mantener alguna clase de cordura de no caer, de no dejarme llevar por la corriente, por los vientos turbulentos
despues de 8 horas de trabajo intenso en el ordenador y toda esta tormenta mental me siento nuevamente tratando de ajuntar un par de palabras en mi pantalla, y solo puedo pensar que esto fue un tornado violento con lluvias y relampagos, pero que por ahora ha pasado... y me deja esta falsa tranquilidad hasta la siguiente ocasion...
Un tornado en mi mente, si tan solo tuviese 4 manos para escribir en alguna computadora alterna mientras estoy laborando y asi no perder todas esas palabras, todas esas lagrimas...
When I was a little girl, the idea of going out for days filled my mind with an infinite number of questions as what would we eat? where am I going to sleep?, etc... Once we went to sleep on the beach and the experience got to be something I can`t, really, recall; I was sick and we were nervous of me having an episode and then having to run back home or at least to find a doctor.
When I got marry at my 18 years old, I moved to another town, far from home, alone with another kid and four big bags with all my stuff. Coming back home, still married, I carried one backpack and a little purse, my husband followed me months after with the other things and more gotten on those 3 or 4 months spent in that fake new home town where I found the reality for an 18 years old, married woman. Some years after that, when I was decided to be a confined wife, mother of a couple of beautifull kids we jump to a new adventure, moving to another country... I left behind all my things; washer machine, stove, bed, kids beds, millions of kids toys, etc... An entire life got left behind because of the great idea of having a better life... What A Better Life!! At least I left that comfort zone of being a desperate house wife who didn`t love her life but thought there were anything else to live. Then I saw everything around as I can live without or I can live with. A life after messing all my life and messing it again and again, I took all my things, or at least all the things I thought I needed, filled 4 big bags again and returned to my own country. Lived in slow burningtown for a year, and flew to my own city found a job and new people who got to convince me of growing roots there, got a few of things but lived looking by the window for the day when I find my way out of there and him (the one who will love me, who I love) a free, happy soul who I can trust. I found my steps comin back to burningtown.
But a month ago, I filled my little backpack with some stuff I would need to live, feeling nervous and insecure left the house, but came back before I expected. left my backpack filled with all the stuff with the stupid hope of leaving before I expected but... one day I came back and emptied my backpack to fill it with daily things for little trips, watched that backpack there calling me, asking me for a date to leave, thought about selling my soul and step into a new adventure for a week, a month or a life, but, but, but... I promised to myself I would wait for..., my words, 2 years? hhahahahaha yes, sure!! hahahaa but I don`t want to have to deal with a new asshole for now, then... mmmmm?? Do I want to contact him? or him? they are always on a rush and I have things to do for my own... I don`t need to live for someone else I have my own life and troubles. That is not the subject...
From my recent, recent recent past, Oh Come on, listen to your self V "PAST" I got a bunch of things that filled my mind, a bussiness, a partnership, laughter, JOKES, JOKES, STUPID JOKES. then what?? a flight ticket. mmmmmhhh... my backpack jumped on my lap... Without filling it again I started to think about anything else and left the bag on the floor for later, Jokes, more jokes, rules, and jokes then... my own mind working Jjmmmm I, still, looked in my bag and I just need some clothes and I will be ready to leave... I have my basic life in a backpack.... I always thought about that people that is jumping from one country to another as a homeless comunity... can I be a part of that? What would my family think? what would the people say? would I survive? answers... I don`t know nothing different of what they already think I don`t care... I don`t think At my 40`s I have my life in a backpack... Piedelmundo!!!
Llevaba ya varios dias sin utilizar mi mente, en un intento de subsistir con esa caotica idea venida de una fuente peor que la mia, me iba acotumbrando a no pensar, ser un cuerpo sin ideas ni opiniones, sin palabras propias en camino a mi propia tumba. En realidad me vi en ese valle sin vida, lodo seco bajo mis pies, mis ropas desgastadas y raidas por la lucha por seguir viva, mis manos ensangrentadas tras batallar contra ese collar de puas que me estrangulaba por conseguir algo de aire para mis pulmones, mi mirada sembrada en cada grieta de ese lodo y mi mente, fuera de forma, dandome la idea de que fui en busca de vida y encontre muerte.
Tras el viaje, de ida y vuelta, mas corto de mi vida; me meti en la cama y no necesite mirar por la ventana para saber que una hermosa curva plateada llenaba el ambiente, mi sonrisa, y recorde como 10 años antes, una noche vistiendo una falsa sonrisa, pude molestar a alguien mas, pero anoche, nadie vio mi sonrisa, solo yo; con mi respiraciòn en calma sonrei por estar viva. Ni siquiera me dedique a hacer un inventario de mi propio ser, de los daños, de lo que deje atras y de lo que logre salvar. solo respire profundo y en calma, cerre mis ojos, escuche mis propios latidos y sonrei por estar viva y ser libre, OTRAVEZ! Esta mañana, escuchando esos sonidos que tanto detestaba y deseaba eliminar de mi vida, mi mente se desesperò creyendo que era solo un sueño y que aun me encontraba presa, casi con mis ojos llenos de lagrimas, por la decepciòn, me apresure a abrirlos y me encontre en ese lugar que tanto he maldecido, en ese mismo hacinamiento donde ese ronquido del que tanto me queria deshacer, la noche anterior me arrullo y me llevo a un sueño en absoluta y verdadera calma, busque bajo mi almohada la libertad de ubicarme en el tiempo, volvi a respirar profundo sintiendo mis ojos humedecerse celebrando la libertad de estar viva y contemple ese lugar, abrazandolo agradecida por su existencia.
camine hacia la puerta para encontrarme con el mismo cuadro de cada dia, guarde para mi ese gozo de mi corazòn, camine a la parta trasera de la casa para levantar mis brazos al cielo para agradecer y pedir nuevamente un poco de direcciòn para mi vida, prepare el Cafè que tome entre mis manos en absoluto silencio, disfrutando cada trago rodeada de todo ese ruido de afuera, las voces de siempre, las mismas preguntas, los mismos comentarios y respire profundo tras la idea de haber besado a mi hijo por ultima vez, la ultima vez que le vi; tras la idea de haber abrazado a mi hija y haberle dicho que la amaba por ultima vez la noche anterior antes de hacer el viaje mas corto de ida y vuelta la noche anterior; tras la idea de haber evitado despedirme de mi madre quien habria identificado mi destino hacia la muerte tras esa despedida y esta mañana todos esos besos, abrazos, palabras, no son mas que una cotidianidad, que la vida y la libertad de pensamiento volvieron a tender una larga alfombra roja rumbo al horizonte para mi, que esto que me llevaba a la muerte menta, y real, ahora se ha convertido en un paso, un tropiezo, una ligera caida de la cual me levanto y continuo VIVA.
A mi mente, fuera de forma, aun en silencio o tal vez dejandome disfrutar de cada minuto conmigo, con una idea diferente de lo que queria escribir pero embriagada en este agradecimiento por PODER EJERCER MIS DERECHOS FUNDAMENTALES:
ARTICULO 13. Todas las personas nacen libres e iguales ante la ley, recibirán la misma protección y trato de las autoridades y gozarán de los mismos derechos, libertades y oportunidades sin ninguna discriminación por razones de sexo, raza, origen nacional o familiar, lengua, religión, opinión política o filosófica. ARTICULO 16. Todas las personas tienen derecho al libre desarrollo de su personalidad sin más limitaciones que las que imponen los derechos de los demás y el orden jurídico.
ARTICULO 18. Se garantiza la libertad de conciencia. Nadie será molestado por razón de sus convicciones o creencias ni compelido a revelarlas ni obligado a actuar contra su conciencia.
ARTICULO 19. Se garantiza la libertad de cultos. Toda persona tiene derecho a profesar libremente su religión y a difundirla en forma individual o colectiva. Todas las confesiones religiosas e iglesias son igualmente libres ante la ley.
ARTICULO 20. Se garantiza a toda persona la libertad de expresar y difundir su pensamiento y opiniones, la de informar y recibir información veraz e imparcial, y la de fundar medios masivos de comunicación.
ARTICULO 22. La paz es un derecho y un deber de obligatorio cumplimiento.
EL ARTICULO 22 HABLA DE MI DERECHO A LA PAZ QUE NO DEBERA SER MOLESTADA POR NADIE EN SU HORRIBLE DESEO DE HACER SOLO SU VOLUNTAD EN CONTRA DE LA MIA!! Y, AY DE AQUEL QUE SE LE OCURRA VENIR A VIOLARLOS QUE LA LISTA DE DEMANDAS PUEDE AUN CRECER Y EL PESO DE LA LEY CAERA SOBRE ELLOS. En pleno ejercicio de mis derechos me siento frente a esta pantalla, disfruto de cada sorbo de cafe mientras escribo cada palabra mientras, libremente, escucho musica; libremente, leo mi correo; libremente, contesto a todos; libremente y sin ser juzgada, reviso todas las notificaciones de otras personas que no conozco y no tienen nada que ver conmigo en mi Facebook; libremente, descargo todas las imagenes que deseo para futuros escritos; libremente me rio de la idea de esa mente convencida de que yo ya no pensaba y no tenia poder de moverme fuera de su manipulaciòn; libremente leo y re-leo lo que escribo sabiendo que es muy malo pero ejerzo mi libertad de escribirlo por que soy libre de expresarme y tal vez algun dia alguien podra comprender que aquello que a muchos puede atraer como es la inteligencia si no es bien apreciada se convertira en el arma utilizada en contra de ellos mismos.
Para quienes quieren imponer sus ideas sin tener una sola palabra de contradicciòn deben conseguirse algun analfabeta que le toque soportarles, que pueda, en realidad, tomar esa idea absurda de vivir absolutamente fuera de la sociedad, sin electricidad, con una mula a mano para ir a buscar viveres una vez cada 2 o 3 semanas
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA LIBREMENTE ME RIO DE ESE ABSURDO AL QUE ME QUERIAN LLEVAR recordando como pensaba que tal vez podria hacerle cambiar de idea pero que definitivamente tras discutir por una miserable botella de agua purificada, todo eso de no poder utilizar mis medios de comunicaciòn y tener que pedir permiso, tener que vestir lo que otro deseaba, tener que pasarme las noches en vela, ver esos ojos de odio, ver esas manos que me aterrorizaban cuando trataban de lavarme el cerebro, ese movimiento maniatico de esos dedos, y ¿tener que enfrentarme a una nueva regla? hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha ejerzo libremente mi derecho a la opinion y a la libertad de expresiòn y en voz alta digo ADIOS A ESE ABSURDO Y A TODOS LOS ABSURDOS IMPUESTOS!! Y ahora felizmente... contamino mi mente con musica, imagenes y estupideces que tal vez no me lleven a nada pero que me dan la idea de VIVIR BAJO MIS PROPIAS REGLAS!! ESTOY VIVA Y SOY FELIZ, no, no creo que vaya a pedir perdon, no creo que proponga nada, no creo que quiera regresar a dejar de dormir y ser insultada a cada instante. La arrogancia no es inteligencia ni es inteligente La sabiduria no tiene nada que ver con ser grosero y estupido Los verdaderos sabios e inteligentes tienen capacidad de escucha y comprensiòn!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAH HAY MUCHO POR ESCRIBIR Y YO TENGO COSAS QUE HACER ASI QUE POR AHORA SE LAS DEJO AHI!! Piedelmundo!!!
Silently present in a room with my parents, hearing them while I write or read anything.
I open my eyes for a minute or two to smile about their argument or simple conversation about music, decades of changes, movies, fashion and nowdays customes.
I continue there on my own bubble
apparently untouchable,
appparently far from the reality around me
Enjoying my thoughts of them thinking I´m not there
I´m far and they can´t touch my mind.
but their words and thoughts get inside of my mind
and share coffee with my neurones
make a party
have an orgy
and after a while come to get me consciously with a questioning.
My parents are already on a different argument
The time has passed
but I keep the same posture
on the same chair
thinking about the same drink
same food I have everyday
and that questioning from the orgy of my thoughts, views and my parents words filtered in my mind
while I was cheating on myself
with the image of appearing non being there
with my windows apparently closed for their reality
my surrounding.
That questioning is the prove I´m there
sitting by them
on the same chair everyday
drinking the same coffee
the same chocolate with the same sawdust
the same type of news from the same font
and the same music in my ears
My parents are definitely attached to their golden years
their music, they call real music
their ways to see the world without thinking the world wasn´t how they think
but who could pull them off from their ideas of what the world was
what the world is
what the world will be
I´m not the one who could do anything
I´m detained in time too
listening the same music
If I want to hear spanish songs
the same list come to my mind
If I want to hear something to write then
Ricardo Arjona, of course
Inspiration, ways to write.
the balsam for my loneliness
I hear other musicians too
other kind of music
but for me to write and feel me
In Spanish the ones above
In English
the 80`s and 90`s romantic songs... or a little part of them
people usually get amazed with what they find on my lists
as my favorite song
I love it, It is so strong, but people don`t seem to have the same opinion about that song.
Of Course, I was 15 then...
and for the last 5 to 6 years...
mmm... My fave of that skinny guy
You got me bad, you really got me bad...
I `m gonna get u back!!
hahhahahahhahahahhahahha love the video!!
And of course I update a little of him
hahahahahhah
But listening my list, watching the videos
sitting on the same chair
even updating a little my lists
I`m detained In time
I wonder if after 10 years or more
when I`m 70 or 80 I will be arguing with my coffee about the kind of movies
the music people would like then
the fashion
If even now I call myself classic dressed
If after a bunch of years I will find in the other side of the world
a chair to drink my coffee every day the same way
If I will continue having my sawdust for breakfast and dinner
If I will go in my own blue bubble again
to cheat on me again
thinking I`m untouchable for the reality
and the ones around me
or the loneliness on my shoulder
I`m totally Detained in time
and that could be why I was nervous of my world not moving
and be in the same place with the same feelings for ever
I really don´t know where to start... I need a favor a little one... I wont start putting things bigger or give extended explanations for anything It could be easier to ignore everything and continue walking but... bcz of how I felt this time I need to ask for that favor
I know your intention is to show up and my intention was to simply ignore you till the end of my days...
Then, after analizing the situation knowing this is very easy for you to make comments as it is easy for my mind to bring all those terrible months and how I got judged by you, of being so negative and so...
I, really, don´t have to make a list of what happened how those months affected me emotionally physically psicologically socially
I´m under Re-construction learning and enjoying my process For u.. I wish the best so please... stay ok and FAR from me
When someone ask or talk about u Everytime my mind bring u up, (11 months are not 2 days and u damaged me) I´m not smiling
So... Please stay ok and far from me I don´t need ur comments on my things as u can read and see how I evolve Good bye!! Remember... Good riddance to you! Piedelmundo!!!
I placed that quote there because I like it, and because I think is true but what I´m going to talk about is totally different.
Silence and Loneliness
I used to write about silence as one of the worst punishments for anybody and Loneliness as that nightmare that was following me everywhere trying to catch me and waiting for me at the end of the road.
On friday when I was in silence I felt afraid of failing then I understood that is not to be quiet with my mouth only, but to stop my mind, to hear what people say and think twice before I spill any word or any sight that would disclose what is in my mind or how I feel. Even to calm my mind before it starts rushing because there are times when things can be better than what we think, so, instead of being trying to conclude on things we don´t know, just be calm.
That silence got to be one of the most delicious experiences I could have, and there totally quiet with my, supposed, desolation found myself secure, placid and delighted.
After that, I had to experience some chaos trying to get me, lots of words and the certainty of not being alone.
Loneliness is that friend who tell us, genuinely, if we steal smiles from someone because we are, unfortunally, attached to that human being or if we just share our laughs while they or us preffer to be together
Silence is that pleasure everybody should give to themselves
and Loneliness is a friend who would love to have a cup of coffee while she is with us!
You... you are that hiding smile I want to catch on a picture
That someone I want to smile and walk with, for a while!
Mmmmmm... It looks like I´m not writing that much lately... mmm may I close my blog? I don´t think, I will have a lot of things to write when we visit the other side of he world, or go to the mountains, or go to the unmentionable side of Colombia or simply stay here laughing!!
I thot it was harder i thot i was to be punished with a thousand of faces of new girl friends, loves, dates, kisses and more But i just realized that ure vanished... there is not a word not a picture nothing that shows if ure alive...
just noticed that im not punished by ur posts not punished bcz of a face of a new girl in ur life im punished bcz ure vanished ur name doest appear anymore my blood doesnt come to my head is just a cold feeling of that nothing nothing of u I thot it was harder to erase you from my wall thot i was to see your name everywhere and cry bcz that would be reminding me about u all the time but ur name doesnt come at all there is nothing showing ur name ure erased... youre there but not coming to my wall I know is the best for me to dont see u or know what happen with u but... if i see you or if i dont im hurted... if i see you i may die and if i dont i sure will looking for u i find my own face on a happiness on a kiss and wonder how or when my face willl be erased from your wall... All the pictures one by one or all at once??
the difference... i can be there... but im vanished... im just a face of someone someone that never touched your soul you dont need to rush your heart to erase me waiting for the moment to delete me from your walls me... i dont have you on my wall i have you in my heart and now i have to rush to delete you before you decide to change the pictures if u are going to before you have a new name to talk about before i dress the truth and die... I just realized, U got totally erased from my wall... Ur name doesnt come up Ure vanished... but i have to erase you from my heart to stop this pain before U come up again and kill me!! Piedelmundo...
Today... After a while talking and studying with my daughter i told her to call my mom to tell her something silly, she came with my dad and i felt so far from them, so abandoned here in this place... i love my place, my independance but, i think im tired of being alone... Well that was not the subject so... as my metodologia teacher says let´s take the bus to Cartagena and go there, no to another part where we are not to go... so... when i saw them there i realized i cant just kick them out of there and continue studying,we spent about 30 minutes with my dad there, then my mom was asking for the people around me as my friends, i knew where she wanted to go to, so kicked him out of the territory... when she finally got it she asked about Chip , the last update was the best ever, so she got really surprised when i told her its finished... then she asked what happened, i was just moving my head holding a tear, im a very strong woman, my daughter and mother are watching me... she kept asking and asking what happened, u went to Santa Marta and that was good... then i started there.... yes we went to Santa Marta and that WAS wonderfull.
nothing like that before, but that was a dream and the daylight came... was very hard for me to tell her the details of what happened her face was turning from surprise to other feelings.... and im pretty sure he stilll doesnt know why i got mad he still think i just want him to be a prisoner of a relationship... is sad,,, but as i thot about Alan one time and our missunderstandings... languaje is a big barrier that doesnt let people comunicate correctly, and not only that when the words are coming out. there are many filters for the feelings as fears, what the other may think.. if i tell all i feel, how that person will react? many filters that i cant really describe now, unfortunally, my english is not that large and at this point i think it wont, im getting tired of the languaje and the missunderstandings. That is another subject take on another time...
Well... as i describe the whole picture to her, she was very surprised and her question was everytime But, did u finish or not? and she had that wondering face and everytime i heard those words i did ask to myslf Did i finish yes or no? Do i still have in my mind a place for a coming back? who is going to come back? for me i´m right, so im not the one who has to try anything for him, he is right... so in his position would never ask to even talk bcz he is sure i have understand who he is and what he want...
WELL... If i finished or not i dont know... i just dont know... I have him on my fb friend list and I´m afraid to see there the post of a new girlfriend a new date that was so nice after some months talking to eachother and finally the moment came and has being so good since... i dont think he care if i delete from my fb list, since he told me to do so if i want to maybe he can throw away all those 5 mnths i cant, even when i feel and think is the best for us i just cant... to be with him is like being a mother, and a terribly boring wife... i guess that is the reason he need to talk with his friends and flirt with any woman that appears on his dating sites... im not that kind of mother or boring wife... and im sad i became to be that... very sad!!! Thinking about my mother question.... Did i finish or not??? I DONT KNOW... and i know that if i ask him he will say yes, we did bcz of a bunch of reasons.... or even worse he would say a bunch of things to make me feel good, that will make me smile for a couple of minutes but after that, i will realize those are just words coming from his bussiness mind, a polite way to say, if this is what u need to hear i can give you the correct answer bcz of my great experience but you will find the truth after a couple of days of silence...
What i would love to do is to stop loving him be able to see him and dont feel anything just smile bcz is a good person but love him be able to help him as the foreignor he is here and i was in panamá give him my friendly hand I was a foreignor in Panamá and is not easy I have been alone for a long time and is not easy neither Im not saying he needs me Im not saying he doesnt have friends what im saying is in the case he doesnt find anybody willing to help him if all the people is busy and in his list of people that he met sometime i´m still included and he is in need i just will respond to his call i will give him my hand and help him !! at this moment i would really love to be able to sit by his side and laugh with him i dont want to kiss him or have sex just sit by his side and laugh just expecting the joy of sharing a friendship what i was expecting, it was to be, that 25th of Dec
i think i was so thirsty for a kiss and made a mess of everything... him, as always, polite... did respond but we didnt know how to stop all this...
Unfortunally... the movements were not correct and now i lost a friend and im still alone!!!
Jm... what i wonder is what is that i dont know, he just kept saying...
U dont know anything by my understanding is imposible to know anything if u dont receive the knowledge from the one who has it well... it is already late to ask what is that i didnt know sad... very sad!!!
mmmm... Did i finish or not?? I dont know... i think i didn´t but im sure he did!!! Piedelmundo...
