Seis Mas...

 Y  bien... por aqui ando nuevamente, sin promesas de quedarme pero para escribir un poco que creo que es lo que me hace falta... 

esta vez sobre esos seis, seis mas... 

vamos al gym y que son 6 repeticiones mas, dependiendo de nuestra condicion en ese momento, las hacemos en un pestanhar, o 6 vasos de agua mas para mantenernos bien hidratados, 6 huevos mas...

Seis, Seis mas... 

hacen ya seis anhos que me encuentro en este pais, al llegar pues no era mas que una latina mas, y no hay solo 6 y muchas mas de 600 o 6000... no se.. no estoy para estadisticas poblacionales en este pais... solo se que hace 6 anhos llegue, ahora ya con una ciudadania y un proceso en espera para mis hijos, hoy debo decir que son 6 mas... solo para ver si sucede el milagro de verlos obtener la entrada a este pais tambien... ojala y estos 6 anhos mas no sean en vano... 

mis condiciones no son las mismas, el amor no es el mismo, ni las miradas significan lo mismo, y estoy completamente segura de que de aqui a esos 6 anhos las cosas seran mucho mas diferentes que ahora, los silencios seran mas extensos y los gestos mas fuertes... 

Hoy agarro mi cabeza entre mis manos y solo puedo pensar... 6 anhos mas

Alguna vez cuando mis ninhos estaban aun chicos y con el mundo llenandome de miedos me prometi a mi misma que no saldria de aquel infierno hasta ver a mi hija ya convertida en una mujer que se pudiera defender, que esperaria por lo menos a que cumpliera  sus 15 para terminar de secar mis alas y echarme a volar... y fue una eternidad, pero ese dia llego, ese dia en que escuche su voz y pude estirar mis alas prepararlas para levantar el vuelo y hacerme independiente nuevamente... 

Pero hoy tras una noche de tormenta y fuego reviso mis alas y no estan aptas para volar, ya mi cuerpo esta cansado, envejecido y mis alas se han entumecido, mis propios pies no me llevan a mas de 10 millas a la redonda sin dejarme saber que mi alcance es poco, sin que mis ojos se llenen de lagrimas que no me dejan ver el camino y aun asi siento esa fuerza que me empuja fuera de mi zona de tranquilidad y me dice que debo volver  a volar... pero aun no lo puedo hacer, todavia debo aguantar por esos 6 anhos mas... 

6 anhos mas... 

y vuelvo a escuchar esa voz del mundo aterrador recordandome que no hay mal que dure 100 anhos ni cuerpo que lo resista. y me pregunto sere yo capaz de soportar? no seran 100 anhos los que deben aguantar mi mente y mi cuerpo pero lograre soportar esos 6 anhos mas... sera que el mal podra durar 100 anhos? me conformo con poder soportar esos 6 anhos, no por mi, pero por ellos... por mis Crios. por mis angeles, por mis hijos...

6 Anhos mas... 

Un monton de caos... un charco de lagrimas y como siempre se las dejo ahi!! 

Two women and Me...

From the highest point of my house

with my black dress

all my black  hairs in order 

my judgemental mind always working 

without a smile 

without a heart 

I see those two silly girls 

One, Vikina, in love with anything that goes by 

any stupid word that reaches her ears 

is the younger one 

her red hair to the air 

her shoulders kissed by the sun

always with a hope on her heart 

and a tear ready to come out

On the other side 

another woman, Piedelmundo

always smiling 

enjoying life.

unable to trust anybody 

her brown-reddish hair in a pony tail 

moving around

and her dress style 

those thight jeans and a sweter

on her lips a smile 

on her mind a song to dance 

I see them, 

judge them 

and have to hear them every night. 

the silly in love 

telling stories about her love 

who he is 

if she saw him 

if he finally showed up 

and if not 

crying 

crying her words by the window 

dreaming and asking to the destiny 

for the time when she will finally have her love. 

then the logical 

laughing at her, 

hear the stories bored, 

asking when she is going to grow up 

when she is going to stop trusting lies

blame her and listening the names 

smile and share her own stories with the same names

And me... that judgemental mind listening to them 

quiet...

trying to forget every word 

every name 

every wound 

Me... who at the end of the conversation look at the mirror 

and there is Vikina with her tears 

and hopes 

There is Piedelmundo, with her wounds 

unable to trust a word 

and my judgemental mind 

all three in a woman

unable to be one 

unable to make the silly girl grow up

and stop trusting love 

unable to trust a word 

unable to stop  judging myself 

for every move out of my own morality 

Viviow

One woman with wounds 

smiling to hide a tear 

learning how to deal with her own loneliness 

to stop wishig and dreaming

to stop judging me...

Piedelmundo...

My Life In a Backpack

When I was a little girl, the idea of going out for days filled my mind with an infinite number of questions as what would we eat? where am I going to sleep?, etc... 
Once we went to sleep on the beach and the experience got to be something I can`t, really, recall; I was sick and we were nervous of me having an episode and then having to run back home or at least to find a doctor. 

When I got marry at my 18 years old, I moved to another town, far from home, alone with another kid  and four big bags with all my stuff.
Coming back home, still married, I carried one backpack and a little purse, my husband  followed me months after with the other things and more gotten on those 3 or 4 months spent in that fake new home town where I found the reality for an 18 years old, married woman.

Some years after that, when I was decided to be a confined wife, mother of a couple of beautifull kids we jump to a new adventure, moving to another country... 
I left behind all my things; washer machine, stove, bed, kids beds, millions of kids toys, etc... 
An entire life got left behind because of the great idea of having a better life... 
What A Better Life!!
At least I left that comfort zone of being a desperate house wife who didn`t love her life but thought there were anything else to live.
Then I saw everything around as I can live without or I can live with.
A life after messing all my life and messing it again and again, I took all my things, or at least all the things I thought I needed, filled 4 big bags again and returned to my own country.
Lived in slow burningtown for a year, and flew to my own city found a job and new people who got to convince me of growing roots there, got a few of things but lived looking by the window for the day when I find my way out of there and  him (the one who will love me, who I love) a free, happy soul who I can trust. I found my steps comin back to burningtown. 

But a month ago, I filled my little backpack with some stuff I would need to live, feeling nervous and insecure left the house, but came back before I expected. left my backpack filled with all the stuff with the stupid hope of leaving before I expected but... one day I came back and emptied my backpack to fill it with daily things for little trips, watched that backpack there calling me, asking me for a date to leave, thought about selling my soul and step into a new adventure for a week, a month or a life, but, but, but... 
I promised to myself I would wait for..., my words, 2 years? hhahahahaha yes, sure!! hahahaa but I don`t want to have to deal with a new asshole for now,  then... mmmmm??
Do I want to contact him? or him? they are always on a rush and I have things to do for my own... I don`t need to live for someone else I have my own life and troubles.

That is not the subject... 

From my recent, recent recent past, Oh Come on, listen to your self V "PAST" I got a bunch of things that filled my mind, a bussiness, a partnership, laughter, JOKES, JOKES, STUPID JOKES. then what?? a flight ticket.  mmmmmhhh... my backpack jumped on my lap...
Without filling it again I started to think about anything else and left the bag on the floor for later, 
Jokes, more jokes, rules, and jokes then... my own mind working  Jjmmmm 

I, still, looked in my bag and I just need some clothes and I will be ready to leave... 


I have my basic life in a backpack.... I always thought about that people that is jumping from one country to another as a homeless comunity... can I be a part of that? What would my family think? what would the people say? would I survive?

answers... I don`t know
                nothing different of what they already think
                I don`t care... 
                I don`t think

At my 40`s I have my life in a backpack...


Piedelmundo!!! 

Bah... But,,, what a Temperature I better stay home!!

I wont go on any information about Monteria, I don´t like this town and have no interest.
I just want to share with you a little of what is  happening these days.

about 17 years ago, I came to my brother´s marriage, that was the hottest day I ever felt in my whole life, I thought itt should be something in the house, the street, the way we saw the town coming from Killa,  or anything but the normal temperature to suffer in this side of the world.

These days, suffering this stupid temperature, not even good for animals, I remembered that terrible day and asked to my mother about the date of my brother marriage, she replayed with a lot of things I didn´t hear. then I found this pictures for you to imagine how hot and horrible is Monteria- Colombia

literal!!!
















Piedelmundo!! 

En El Mas Alla Te Espero"... PATETICO!!

-Hola Sol,
-Hola, buenos dias! 
-Estas lista desde tan temprano?
-No es tan temprano, te dejaba descansar y ya sabes que nunca duermo.
-Pobre Sol, ya no trato de escapar de ti, cuando lo vas a comprender?,Bueno, como digas, que tal si trenzas mi cabello mientras leo mi correo y las noticias?
-Hare una trenza con tu cabello y el mio, que ya casi estan del mismo tono los 2 con tantas canas.
-Jajajaja... si, ya lo se. Tonta Sol, y asi te preocupas y no duermes por que me escape de ti. Tonta Sol.
-Que lees?
-hhhmmm... Nada y mucho. La pregunta es...
-Que quieres hacer?
-Exactamente... Unos años atras me vi sentada al comienzo de un largo puente hasta que llego el dia en que me canse de esperar y simplemente recogi mis cosas, le di la espalda a ese puente y me eche a andar, despues me arrepenti y quise volver pero, no estaba errada en la decision que tome y aunque tarde un poco logre superar ese sentimiento de arrepentimiento, mirando la verdad de todo frente a mi.
Estaba harta de verme alli sentada, dia tras dia, dejandome engañar

Hace algunos meses, me encontre paralizada por un fango que entre mas me sacaba mas me hundia, no podia ni pensar, enferme tanto que perdi la razon mientras estuve alli sumergida creyendo que ese fango era parte de mi dieta alimentaria, de la manera mas increible un dia sali de alli, no se si fui yo quien se salio o me sacaron pero se que me senti tan aliviada cuando por fin saque mis pies de alli. pase algunos meses tratando de curar con saliva algunas de mis heridas, escondiendome del mundo, hasta que pude mirar nuevamente a las personas y sobretodo dejarme ver. Mientras sucedia todo esto tuve la oportunidad de verme ignorando algunas ventanas, y por ultimo cerrando de un portazo una pequeña ventana que solo me traia aires contaminados.
Pero hoy, me veo como ese dibujo no terminado en espera de la siguiente palabra en el poema o la novela, esa heroina cansada de ser el dibujo de una mujer mirando tras la ventana, esperando lo que nunca llegara o que llegara despues de tantos siglos cuando sus ojos vidriosos ya no puedan ver mas y su cuerpo cansado solo se dirigira a su lecho de muerte diciendo, "ahora ya puedo morir en paz, en el mas alla te espero", PATETICO!!
pero no se que hacer...
algo si tengo claro, Sol, y es que lo que veo para mi futuro es una mujer pasando sus atardeceres tranquila en su soledad, tomando cafe,  en la terraza de alguna casa a orillas de un risco donde golpea el mar fuertemente. 
Que quiero hacer? no se... no quiero darle la espalda a nadie, quiero seguir disfrutando de la buena lectura y a mi modo interactuar con las personas pero a la vez quiero que sepan que creo y no creo, que me comó todos los cuentos y que esa sonrisa al final del cuento significa "en tu tonteria imaginas que mi tonteria es verdadera pero no creo ninguna de tus historias si ya he escuchado tantas y tantas he inventado que ya me no me quedan mas por escuchar ni inventar.

-Que quieres hacer?
-No se, Sol, nada pierdo ni nada gano, nadie me quitara mi cafe matutino ni me dará nada mas de lo que ya poseo, solo no quiero tener mas sobre-información de la que ya mi mente utiliza para alimentarse. no se que quiero hacer, Sol, o tal vez si... DEJAR DE ESPERAR NADA!!

Piedelmundo!!

Expectations...

Well... I will take what I got last night as an inspiration of what I want to talk about, I wont go on details about what it said or anything like that, but what came to my mind.

20 years ago I had a good friend, we were like sisters; going everywhere and sharing almost everything; after a while she left Colombia because she finally got her citizenship for her husband country, we lost contact, but thanks to Facebook we found each other, again, the situation got to be different since the time has passed and we didn`t have much to talk about, through chat or e-mails.

All my life I have been seen as a person who doesn`t have a filter in her mouth to say anything and even being that person who doesn`t know what is the phrase that goes first or after; then, my friend used to tell me I had to change my way and I agreed with her. I changed on those  20 years and actually faced many times people who doesn`t, really, have a filter and do not have the idea of what to say first when they have to meet someone, but I never say anything because I accept people how they are and some people is not willing to change or their neurones, just, don`t match and reproduce. But I`m nothing to judge anybody.

When I got in touch  with her again, 8 years ago, we chatted and she started to check on my pictures and  made comments there; her comments were not what I would expect from her as a friend, she seemed more to be an enemy but I took that as jokes and didn`t replay how she deserved, one time I made a comment on one of her pictures and it was "what happened to you?" she got mad and on an e-mail explained the last 3 years of her life, I understood and replayed to her that all that happened is in the past and she was better then, after that I found two comments from her, one saying she hope I don`t have to use glasses for reading because I look terrible and more with them and the other was about those bad thing I should be doing with my life since the application of how I would look when I`m on my 70`s is showing a terrible picture of a horrible old lady... I got like eehhmmm... Ok hahahhahah and just  replayed saying "I think you have to check on yourself first" and she blocked me.

Last nite all that came to my mind 

Then my question is, am I expecting too much from people?

Maybe, am I not comprehensive enough?

Then what if I take out my filter and start saying things the same way people hit me? 
What if turn to be who I was before and live by what I think without caring of the others?

I`m not sure if that is what the "DETACH" process is about; think, love, and care about myself first and only, so... who cares about what I say or what the people says if we shouldn`t expect anything, if we accept people how they are but if we don`t accept  we just leave... But we are not robots we are humans.

Well... me? I will continue wearing whatever I like and if anybody don`t like I will respond with a Phrase I heard one time, "Si a mi marido y a mi me gusta como me veo, que me importa a mi que a ti no te guste" If I like and my man likes how I look, I don`t care if you don`t like. and wont expect anymore for those, basice, rules of social life and if I expect something I will expect on my future that will bring the best only, no matter what is left on the way.

Piedelmundo!!

I Am Sorry...

I´m sorry

But I just realized 

I can´t be loved  by you 

I Can´t be, because your expectative is higher than me...

I´m sorry my weight is not that low 

I´m not that short 

since taller people take longer to be perfect 
and i will never be...

I´m not that young, I´m already 39 and, unfortunally, 
even when i look younger 

I can´t go back 

I´m sorry my skin is so dark 

I´m sorry my breast is not firm 

I´m sorry my awfull tummy can´t get tight 

the excuse...

because I´m a mother and I didn´t take good care of it on time

and I never was a slim woman

I´m sorry I can´t be loved by you...
I´m not perfect to be loved by you...

I´m sorry my hips are not big, firm and beautifull

I´m sorry my legs are full of hairs that i decided to dont shave 

the poor excuse...

those hairs are not so long...

I´m sorry my hair is not long enough, is not dark and straight as you like 

I´m so sorry 

I´m not perfect 

and that makes me unable to be loved by you 

Piedelmundo...

Just Because... i love my words... the person is already forgotten!!

On October 2013 

i was dying for Alan R. Ames

is not easy  put in the trash 4 years of ur life 

and that took a long time 

Today i got this card that i postdated for him 

and i was thinking to dont post it here....

bcz is not what i feel 

if he is happy or not i dont know 

im sure he is 

but that is not my concern... i tried to be happy when i was with him 

and i made many things to make him happy 

Im posting it today 

just because 

i love my words 

those words were my feelings 

and were true...

now... 

my life a different direction 

and is not following him

SO... 

JUST BECAUSE I LOVE MY WORDS!!! 

Alan...

Hi...

just to wish you a wonderful day 

i took the 15th of september.. Colombia Valentine´s day...

is a good day to say hi

and i love you!!  

Hope you have all you want and wish today and always

my part.. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU... 

NO MATTER WHAT IM DOING I KNOW IM STILL LOVING YOU!!

Piedelmundo!!

mmmm...  now i got this... 

You need to write down or correct this information:        • If you select deferred delivery, the delivery date should be greater than today and         no more greater of 9 months. then... Father´s day!!   u have a wonderfull day with your family full of love  and presents!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyQdCJwJZck

Actually this is  october 3rd, i just sent u a card to tell you i love you

but i think you got tired of my e-cards 

or you are on a date... mmmm!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R-FGchhwLw

I wrote this yesterday morning... 2nd of october...

is so terrible to love someone and realize you will never stop 

that you mite find someone but you will never do the things you did for that someone... 

Alan

I can imagine you thinking i finally gave up 

im not writing anymore 

and i finally let u go 

as usual because thats what i do the bst 

but no

i didnt stop writing 

or thinking of you

i still do 

if i gave up 

yes i did 

bcz there is no response 

but 

unfortunally 

life is not like a switch

if u want light u turn that on

or off 

if u dont 

life is not the  theory of being human

life is the practice of being human

and we make mistakes on 

so... on the theory i try my bst to stop thinking of you 

and do those things i should and must do for my own benefit 

as study 

wrk

talk with my partners 

fix my slf 

care of myslf 

thats the theory i try on days like today 

2nd of october btw 

not the day u will receive this words i didnt thnk of yet 

then i behave the way i should... as i can bcz words dont wait 

then all of them comes to my mind and hands to express what i feel 

then i have to not make overtime what would give me 10.000 pesos per hour and decide to write to you 

that wont see my sacrifice and wont respond....

but thats how life is....

you decide, as the theoric part of your life, but the reality is totally different 

math, science, filosophy, laws, 

all studies go chasing the same...

theory is what should be 

reality is what it is!! 

then try to live in between...

a lot of words to tell you 

i love you and im thinking of you

life is too short to love someone and dont let that person know 

for me is better to live, love you and let you know 

if you dont care 

if you dont want 

if you dont believe 

if you dont respond 

if you hate me 

that´s totally up to you

but me...

im making my part 

loving you and letting you know!!

you have a good day!! 

Do not respond...

Please Ignore me 
Do not think to respond 
not with kindness
not with a hard word 
just...
Do not respond...


what i want to tell you, 
I miss you 
Im dying...
I dont see you anymore 
your face is leaving space 
and i miss u 

really wish to be able to pass the page 
really want to continue walking 
see other people 
and have a real smile 

but i feel i lost something 
and this is the moment when 
everybody is around me 
my mind is busy 
but this moment will pass 
and ill be alone again 
facing your absence 




Do not respond...
please let me continue my process 
but 
at this moment 
i have to admit 

I miss you!!

Piedelmundo...

vanishing....

I thot it was harder 
i thot i was to be punished with a thousand  of faces of new girl friends, loves, dates, kisses 
and more 
But i just realized that ure vanished...
there is not a word 
not a picture 
nothing that shows if ure alive...

just noticed that im not punished by ur posts 
not punished bcz of a face of a new girl in ur life 
im punished bcz ure vanished 
ur name doest appear anymore 
my blood doesnt come to my head 
is just a cold feeling of that nothing
nothing of u 

I thot it was harder to erase  you from my wall
thot i was to see your name everywhere 
and cry bcz that would be reminding me about  u all the time 
but ur name doesnt come at all 
there is nothing showing ur name 
ure erased... 
youre there but 
not coming to my wall

I know is the best 
for me to dont see u 
or know what happen  with u

but...
if i see you  
or if i dont 
im hurted...
if i see you i may die 
and if i dont i sure will 

looking for u i find my own face 
on a happiness 
on a kiss 
and wonder how 
or when my face willl be erased from your wall...
All the pictures 
one by one 
or all at once??

the difference... 
i can be there... but im vanished... 
im just a face of someone 
someone that never touched your soul 
you dont need to rush your heart to erase me 
waiting for the moment to delete me from your walls 
me...
i dont have you on my wall 
i have you in my heart 
and now i have to rush 
to delete you 
before you decide to change the pictures 
if u are going to 
before you have a new name to talk about 
before i dress the truth  
and die...

I just realized,
U got totally erased from my wall...
Ur name doesnt come up 
Ure vanished...
but i have to erase you from my heart 
to stop this pain
before U come up again 
and kill me!!

Piedelmundo...

Did u finish or not??

Today...
After a while talking and studying with my daughter i told her to call my mom to tell her something silly, she came with my dad and i felt so far from them, so abandoned here in this place...

i love my place, my independance but, i think im tired of being alone...

Well that was not the subject so... as my metodologia teacher says let´s take the bus to Cartagena and go there, no to another part where we are not to go...

so... when i saw them there i realized i cant just kick them out of there and continue studying,we spent about 30 minutes with my dad there, then my mom was asking for the people around me as my friends, i knew where she wanted to go to, so kicked him out of the territory...
when she finally got it she asked about Chip , the last update was the best ever, so she got really surprised when i told her
its finished...
then she asked what happened, i was just moving my head holding a tear, im a very strong woman, my daughter and mother are watching me...
she kept asking and asking
what happened, u went to Santa Marta and that was good...
then i started there....
yes we went to Santa Marta and that WAS wonderfull.

nothing like that before, but that was a dream and the daylight came...
was very hard for me to tell her the details of what happened
her face was turning from surprise to other feelings.... 

and im pretty sure he stilll doesnt know why i got mad
he still think i just want him to be a prisoner of a relationship...
is sad,,,
but as i thot about  Alan one time and our missunderstandings...
languaje is a big barrier that doesnt let people comunicate correctly, and not only that
when the words are coming out. there are many filters for the feelings as fears, what the other may think.. if i tell all i feel, how that person will react?
many filters that i cant really describe now, unfortunally, my english is not that large and at this point i 
think it wont, im getting tired of the languaje and the missunderstandings.
That is another subject take on another time...

Well... as i describe the whole picture to her, she was very surprised
and her question  was everytime
But, did u finish or not?
and she had that wondering face
and everytime i heard those words
i did ask to myslf
Did i finish yes or no?
Do i still have in my mind a place for a coming back?
who is going to come back?
for me i´m right, so im not the one who has to try anything
for him, he is right... so in his position would never ask to even talk bcz he is sure i have understand who he is and what he want...

WELL...

If i finished or  not i dont know... i just dont know...
I have him on my fb friend list and I´m afraid to see there the post of a new girlfriend
a new date that was so nice after some months talking to eachother and finally the moment came and has being so good since...
i dont think he care if i delete from my fb list, since he told me to do so if i want to 
maybe he can throw away all those 5 mnths 
i cant, even when i feel and think is the best for us 
i just cant...
to be with him is like being a mother, and a terribly boring wife... 
i guess that is the reason he need to talk with his friends and flirt with any woman that appears on his dating sites...
im not that kind of mother or boring wife... and im sad i became to be that...
very sad!!!

Thinking about my mother question....
Did i finish or not???
I DONT KNOW... 
and i know  that if i ask him he will say yes, we did bcz of a bunch of reasons....
or even worse 
he would say  a bunch of things to make me feel good, that will make me smile for a couple of minutes but after that, i will realize those are just words coming from his bussiness mind, a polite way to say, if this is what u need to hear i can give you the correct answer bcz of my great  experience 
but you will find the truth after a couple of days of silence... 

What i would love to do is to stop loving him
be able to see him and dont feel anything
just smile bcz is a good person
but love him 
be able to help him as the foreignor he is here and i was in panamá 
give him my friendly hand 
I was a foreignor in Panamá and is not easy
I have been alone for a long time and is not easy neither 
Im not saying he needs me 
Im not saying he doesnt have friends 
what im saying is 
in the case he doesnt find anybody willing to help him 
if all the people is busy 
and in his list of people that he met sometime i´m still included 
and he is in need 
i just will respond to his call 
i will give him my hand and help him !!
at this moment i would really love to be able to sit by his side and laugh with him
i dont want to kiss him
or have sex
just sit by his side and laugh
just expecting the joy of sharing a friendship 
what i was expecting, it was  to be, that 25th of Dec

i think i was so thirsty for a kiss
and made a mess of everything...
him, as always, polite... 
did respond 
but we didnt know how to stop all this...

Unfortunally... 
the movements were not correct and now 
i lost a friend 
and im still alone!!!

Jm... what i wonder is 
what is that i dont know, he just kept saying...

U dont know anything 















by my understanding is imposible to know  anything if u dont receive the knowledge from the one who has it 
well... 
it is already late to ask what is that i didnt know
sad... very sad!!!

mmmm...
Did i finish or not??
I dont know... i think i didn´t 
but im sure he did!!!


Piedelmundo...