puedo morir??

Hoy... 
cuando no he reido por miedo a llorar, he comprobado ke mi  teoria de el gozo y alegria no es cierta ni valedera...
no he reido tanto
no he tenido tanta felicidad 
y hoy me dedico a llorar 
hoy solo kiero ahogarme en mis lagrimas 
por mis errores 
kiero pensar que tal vez Dios  tenga compasion de mi 
ke tal vez algun dia pueda superar esto
ke no sera tan largo ke me mate de a pocos 

pero por hoy 
solo por hoy 
puedo morir?? 
dejar de sentir 
apagar todos mis sentidos 
mi mente 
y sobretodo mi corazon
dejar de existir 
en este dia negro 
dejar de estar en mi 
dejar de estar en este mundo 
solo por hoy puedo morir??

no puedo contener este dolor 
es horrible 
se ke deben haber dolores mas fuertes y profundos
pero 
este es el ke tengo ahora 
y no lo soporto 
solo kiero morir...

piedelmundo...

Die of sadness today... / Morir de tristeza hoy...

Kiero escribir y morir de tristeza hoy,
mañana atacarme de alegrias 
reir tanto ke olvide el sabor de mis lagrimas 
y dormir abrazada a mi futuro con una sonrisa!!!
no kiero reir hoy cuando muere el dia 
y mañana bañarme en lagrimas 
kiero escribir y morir de tristeza hoy
mañana atacar mi vida entre carcajadas!!!



One time I said... I´m nervous of laughing
because after all this joy, I´ll be crying and tasting the salty flavor of my own tears 
and that´s exactly what happened... 
i laughted as the happiness would finish that time 
and after that i saw my destiny behind the courtain of my tears 
without any hope of happiness...


I just want to write and die of sadness today...
tomorrow attack myself with happiness 
i just want to laugh that much that i will forget the flavor of my tears 
and sleep hugging my future with a smile!!
i dont want to laugh today when the day is dying
and tomorrow be soaked by my tears
I just want to write and die of sadness today
tomorrow attack myself with laughters 

I just want to feel all that sadness of your absense 
write and cry or cry and write... 
write on every and with every tear your name 
cry out loud because of you,
because of my heartbreak 
feel the duel of you
realize that my spirit is totally dead 
and you are the reason
intoxicate my soul till the sun is out again
drink every tear and get drunk loving u 
i just want to write tonite 
feel that pain and die 
kill myself of sadness 
knowing that i wont have you again
that there are not enough tears in my eyes 
that there are not enough words i can say 
on your languaje or mine 
for you to forgive me...

I just want to die of sadness today
but tomorrow be able to laugh
dance and sing 
because i am alive 
and the future is just waiting 
for me to give him a kiss 
feel how the sun evaporate my tears 
and shower of joy my whole body
laugh and sing or sing and dance
writing on the floor my own name 
be able to open my arms for a hug and be sure that 
I´ll find more than one hug back 
just want to drink the sweet flavor of that happiness 
and get drunk with new kisses on my lips
that wont go away 

I just want to die of sadness today 
to live bcz of the happiness tomorrow!!!

Piedelmundo...

I Am Sorry...

I´m sorry

But I just realized 

I can´t be loved  by you 

I Can´t be, because your expectative is higher than me...

I´m sorry my weight is not that low 

I´m not that short 

since taller people take longer to be perfect 
and i will never be...

I´m not that young, I´m already 39 and, unfortunally, 
even when i look younger 

I can´t go back 

I´m sorry my skin is so dark 

I´m sorry my breast is not firm 

I´m sorry my awfull tummy can´t get tight 

the excuse...

because I´m a mother and I didn´t take good care of it on time

and I never was a slim woman

I´m sorry I can´t be loved by you...
I´m not perfect to be loved by you...

I´m sorry my hips are not big, firm and beautifull

I´m sorry my legs are full of hairs that i decided to dont shave 

the poor excuse...

those hairs are not so long...

I´m sorry my hair is not long enough, is not dark and straight as you like 

I´m so sorry 

I´m not perfect 

and that makes me unable to be loved by you 

Piedelmundo...

Just Because... i love my words... the person is already forgotten!!

On October 2013 

i was dying for Alan R. Ames

is not easy  put in the trash 4 years of ur life 

and that took a long time 

Today i got this card that i postdated for him 

and i was thinking to dont post it here....

bcz is not what i feel 

if he is happy or not i dont know 

im sure he is 

but that is not my concern... i tried to be happy when i was with him 

and i made many things to make him happy 

Im posting it today 

just because 

i love my words 

those words were my feelings 

and were true...

now... 

my life a different direction 

and is not following him

SO... 

JUST BECAUSE I LOVE MY WORDS!!! 

Alan...

Hi...

just to wish you a wonderful day 

i took the 15th of september.. Colombia Valentine´s day...

is a good day to say hi

and i love you!!  

Hope you have all you want and wish today and always

my part.. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU... 

NO MATTER WHAT IM DOING I KNOW IM STILL LOVING YOU!!

Piedelmundo!!

mmmm...  now i got this... 

You need to write down or correct this information:        • If you select deferred delivery, the delivery date should be greater than today and         no more greater of 9 months. then... Father´s day!!   u have a wonderfull day with your family full of love  and presents!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyQdCJwJZck

Actually this is  october 3rd, i just sent u a card to tell you i love you

but i think you got tired of my e-cards 

or you are on a date... mmmm!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R-FGchhwLw

I wrote this yesterday morning... 2nd of october...

is so terrible to love someone and realize you will never stop 

that you mite find someone but you will never do the things you did for that someone... 

Alan

I can imagine you thinking i finally gave up 

im not writing anymore 

and i finally let u go 

as usual because thats what i do the bst 

but no

i didnt stop writing 

or thinking of you

i still do 

if i gave up 

yes i did 

bcz there is no response 

but 

unfortunally 

life is not like a switch

if u want light u turn that on

or off 

if u dont 

life is not the  theory of being human

life is the practice of being human

and we make mistakes on 

so... on the theory i try my bst to stop thinking of you 

and do those things i should and must do for my own benefit 

as study 

wrk

talk with my partners 

fix my slf 

care of myslf 

thats the theory i try on days like today 

2nd of october btw 

not the day u will receive this words i didnt thnk of yet 

then i behave the way i should... as i can bcz words dont wait 

then all of them comes to my mind and hands to express what i feel 

then i have to not make overtime what would give me 10.000 pesos per hour and decide to write to you 

that wont see my sacrifice and wont respond....

but thats how life is....

you decide, as the theoric part of your life, but the reality is totally different 

math, science, filosophy, laws, 

all studies go chasing the same...

theory is what should be 

reality is what it is!! 

then try to live in between...

a lot of words to tell you 

i love you and im thinking of you

life is too short to love someone and dont let that person know 

for me is better to live, love you and let you know 

if you dont care 

if you dont want 

if you dont believe 

if you dont respond 

if you hate me 

that´s totally up to you

but me...

im making my part 

loving you and letting you know!!

you have a good day!! 

Good People Should Be For Ever...

Good people should be for ever...
no matter what...
they are angels here 
to take care of the others...
Hilario MacTaggart
God Bless U!!

Do not respond...

Please Ignore me 
Do not think to respond 
not with kindness
not with a hard word 
just...
Do not respond...


what i want to tell you, 
I miss you 
Im dying...
I dont see you anymore 
your face is leaving space 
and i miss u 

really wish to be able to pass the page 
really want to continue walking 
see other people 
and have a real smile 

but i feel i lost something 
and this is the moment when 
everybody is around me 
my mind is busy 
but this moment will pass 
and ill be alone again 
facing your absence 




Do not respond...
please let me continue my process 
but 
at this moment 
i have to admit 

I miss you!!

Piedelmundo...

vanishing....

I thot it was harder 
i thot i was to be punished with a thousand  of faces of new girl friends, loves, dates, kisses 
and more 
But i just realized that ure vanished...
there is not a word 
not a picture 
nothing that shows if ure alive...

just noticed that im not punished by ur posts 
not punished bcz of a face of a new girl in ur life 
im punished bcz ure vanished 
ur name doest appear anymore 
my blood doesnt come to my head 
is just a cold feeling of that nothing
nothing of u 

I thot it was harder to erase  you from my wall
thot i was to see your name everywhere 
and cry bcz that would be reminding me about  u all the time 
but ur name doesnt come at all 
there is nothing showing ur name 
ure erased... 
youre there but 
not coming to my wall

I know is the best 
for me to dont see u 
or know what happen  with u

but...
if i see you  
or if i dont 
im hurted...
if i see you i may die 
and if i dont i sure will 

looking for u i find my own face 
on a happiness 
on a kiss 
and wonder how 
or when my face willl be erased from your wall...
All the pictures 
one by one 
or all at once??

the difference... 
i can be there... but im vanished... 
im just a face of someone 
someone that never touched your soul 
you dont need to rush your heart to erase me 
waiting for the moment to delete me from your walls 
me...
i dont have you on my wall 
i have you in my heart 
and now i have to rush 
to delete you 
before you decide to change the pictures 
if u are going to 
before you have a new name to talk about 
before i dress the truth  
and die...

I just realized,
U got totally erased from my wall...
Ur name doesnt come up 
Ure vanished...
but i have to erase you from my heart 
to stop this pain
before U come up again 
and kill me!!

Piedelmundo...

Did u finish or not??

Today...
After a while talking and studying with my daughter i told her to call my mom to tell her something silly, she came with my dad and i felt so far from them, so abandoned here in this place...

i love my place, my independance but, i think im tired of being alone...

Well that was not the subject so... as my metodologia teacher says let´s take the bus to Cartagena and go there, no to another part where we are not to go...

so... when i saw them there i realized i cant just kick them out of there and continue studying,we spent about 30 minutes with my dad there, then my mom was asking for the people around me as my friends, i knew where she wanted to go to, so kicked him out of the territory...
when she finally got it she asked about Chip , the last update was the best ever, so she got really surprised when i told her
its finished...
then she asked what happened, i was just moving my head holding a tear, im a very strong woman, my daughter and mother are watching me...
she kept asking and asking
what happened, u went to Santa Marta and that was good...
then i started there....
yes we went to Santa Marta and that WAS wonderfull.

nothing like that before, but that was a dream and the daylight came...
was very hard for me to tell her the details of what happened
her face was turning from surprise to other feelings.... 

and im pretty sure he stilll doesnt know why i got mad
he still think i just want him to be a prisoner of a relationship...
is sad,,,
but as i thot about  Alan one time and our missunderstandings...
languaje is a big barrier that doesnt let people comunicate correctly, and not only that
when the words are coming out. there are many filters for the feelings as fears, what the other may think.. if i tell all i feel, how that person will react?
many filters that i cant really describe now, unfortunally, my english is not that large and at this point i 
think it wont, im getting tired of the languaje and the missunderstandings.
That is another subject take on another time...

Well... as i describe the whole picture to her, she was very surprised
and her question  was everytime
But, did u finish or not?
and she had that wondering face
and everytime i heard those words
i did ask to myslf
Did i finish yes or no?
Do i still have in my mind a place for a coming back?
who is going to come back?
for me i´m right, so im not the one who has to try anything
for him, he is right... so in his position would never ask to even talk bcz he is sure i have understand who he is and what he want...

WELL...

If i finished or  not i dont know... i just dont know...
I have him on my fb friend list and I´m afraid to see there the post of a new girlfriend
a new date that was so nice after some months talking to eachother and finally the moment came and has being so good since...
i dont think he care if i delete from my fb list, since he told me to do so if i want to 
maybe he can throw away all those 5 mnths 
i cant, even when i feel and think is the best for us 
i just cant...
to be with him is like being a mother, and a terribly boring wife... 
i guess that is the reason he need to talk with his friends and flirt with any woman that appears on his dating sites...
im not that kind of mother or boring wife... and im sad i became to be that...
very sad!!!

Thinking about my mother question....
Did i finish or not???
I DONT KNOW... 
and i know  that if i ask him he will say yes, we did bcz of a bunch of reasons....
or even worse 
he would say  a bunch of things to make me feel good, that will make me smile for a couple of minutes but after that, i will realize those are just words coming from his bussiness mind, a polite way to say, if this is what u need to hear i can give you the correct answer bcz of my great  experience 
but you will find the truth after a couple of days of silence... 

What i would love to do is to stop loving him
be able to see him and dont feel anything
just smile bcz is a good person
but love him 
be able to help him as the foreignor he is here and i was in panamá 
give him my friendly hand 
I was a foreignor in Panamá and is not easy
I have been alone for a long time and is not easy neither 
Im not saying he needs me 
Im not saying he doesnt have friends 
what im saying is 
in the case he doesnt find anybody willing to help him 
if all the people is busy 
and in his list of people that he met sometime i´m still included 
and he is in need 
i just will respond to his call 
i will give him my hand and help him !!
at this moment i would really love to be able to sit by his side and laugh with him
i dont want to kiss him
or have sex
just sit by his side and laugh
just expecting the joy of sharing a friendship 
what i was expecting, it was  to be, that 25th of Dec

i think i was so thirsty for a kiss
and made a mess of everything...
him, as always, polite... 
did respond 
but we didnt know how to stop all this...

Unfortunally... 
the movements were not correct and now 
i lost a friend 
and im still alone!!!

Jm... what i wonder is 
what is that i dont know, he just kept saying...

U dont know anything 















by my understanding is imposible to know  anything if u dont receive the knowledge from the one who has it 
well... 
it is already late to ask what is that i didnt know
sad... very sad!!!

mmmm...
Did i finish or not??
I dont know... i think i didn´t 
but im sure he did!!!


Piedelmundo...

Ese Miedo...

Volver mi rostro 
encontrarme al vacio 
no volver a ver tu rostro 
saber ke no volvere a escuchar tu voz 
aun cuando es una realidad 
que es, lo ke sucede...

no puedo evitar sentir ese miedo 
de no encontrarte mas 
de no tener la posibilidad de volver a verte 
tener ke dejar de soñar 
decirle a mis oidos ke ya no existe ninguna posibilidad 
de volver a escucharte 
negarle a mis ojos ke sueñen despiertos 
con el dia de encontrarte por accidente

Ese miedo a que sigas mi pedido 
por que amarte 
soñarte 
necesitar verte 
me hace daño 

Y al mismo tiempo...

Ese miedo de encontrarte 
de la mano de alguien mas 
de ver tus ojos siguiendo los pasos 
de alguien que no sere yo 

Ese miedo... 
a la realidad
Ese miedo... 
a no volverte a ver

Ese miedo...

Piedelmundo...

Un grande Nubarron Se arma en el cielo, Se acerca una tormenta...

Ke puedo decir...
creo ke la careta de la risa ya se ha roto de tantas lagrimas ke ha tenido ke ocultar 






























ahora se arma esta lluvia en mi corazon
ese dolor intenso ke no tiene cura 
ke no tiene compañia 
ni solucion
ke en este caso la solucion
es aun dolorosa 
pero no se si es peor extrañarle 
ke tenerle sin tenerle 

solo desearia poder cerrar mis ojos 
dejar de respirar 
dejar de sentir 
dejar de vivir 
y despertar cuando todo esta tristeza haya pasado
volver a vivir y encontrar frente a mi 
ese motivo de felicidad 
pero ke esta vez no se marchara
ke esta vez si me amara!!

Piedelmundo...

Tu!!

Alguna vez te escribi
con ese anhelo de verte
de tocarte
poder tenerte
saber que tu serias el dueño
de mi risa
del sueño de mis ojos
ese dia soñe con el momento
de poder escuchar mi voz
nombrandote
mientras en tus ojos se reflejaria
mi rostro
y vi pasar el tiempo
esperandote
anhelandote
preparando cada instante
para vivirlo contigo
sin saber que te tenia
que en tus ojos me veia reflejada
y tu nombre gritaba a los 4 vientos
te tenia
en cada uno de ellos
en sus ojos 
cuando saciaba mi sed con sus labios 
en sus abrazos 
en todos y cada uno de ellos estabas tu 
me preparaba para el momento de encontrarte 
sin saber ke ya te tenia 
ke entregaba mi amor 
con la esperanza de algun dia tenerte y dartelo todo 
pero no habia mas ke guardar 
por ke ahi estabas tu 
disfrutando mi vida 
mi amor 
en cada instante magico 
que elaboraba en silencio tratando de adivinar tu nombre 

mientras mencionaba el  de ellos 

alli estabas tu 
quien tanto   anhelaba 
por quien escribia 
la inspiracion de mi vida
esa palabra callada 
ese beso apasionado
esa risa 
esos ojos 
y mi rostro reflejado en todos  ellos

te tuve y te perdi por que no supe verte 
por que pense que tenias solo un nombre 
y que vendrias con todos las caracteristicas 
de mi amor 
ahora 
despues de haber perdido otra vez 
despues de ver marcharse a quien nisiquiera me amo

despues de haber reido a su lado 
y haber palpado la felicidad 
debo decir que te ame 
que desperdicie mi tiempo esperandote
sin saber que te tenia 
y no te ame mas por guardarte mi amor a ti 
pero te ame 
que si me amaste en ellos 
si, tal vez y no
si por que fui amada como nadie mas, fui los ojos y la vida de algunos
tal vez por que no fui la unica para otros pero si a la que le demostraron 
amor
no, por que simplemente no me amo
por que luche y cambie para merecer su amor 
pero nada me hizo merecedora 
y no me amo 
me dio felicidad pero no me amo

 Tu... talvez vengas otra vez

pero esta vez estare mas pendiente de amarte
de mirarme en tus ojos 
mientras menciono tu nombre
Tu... talvez vengas otra vez y seguramente no seras tu 
sera alguien mas
pero te amare en él 
por que algo tuyo tendra 
y seras tu!!

Piedelmundo!!!

Happy Bday... then june 7th

HELLO ME!!

HAPPY BDAY!!

HOPE WE ARE HAVING SOMETHING GOOD NOT LIKE 2013...

OK WELL.. DO YOU REMEMBER THE NITE PART?? 

THAT WAS GOOD 

WHAT A BEAUTIFULL WISTLE D HAVE!! AHAHAHH

Ok Viv...

it is nov 10 2013...

It was a weird day..

we went to the church today and felt like good 

sum happiness for no reason

but the pain is still there...

sum tears coming out 

and the feeling of that maybe still in my mind...

i want him back 

no matter what 

i just want him back 

after writing about him 

not for him, since im not sure he is the one who is reading me 

but there is someone who has my blog address and is reading me 

well.. writing about him i feel like 

i have a little hope 

is a little maybe..

i know it should die and i must continue walking 

but i miss him 

and want him back 

mmmm hope someone appeared in my life and filled me up with happiness 

is giving me sum kisses 

and i already forgot of him 

i mean if he didnt come back to me...

:P

haahahhahh

ok... 

Happy Birthday Vivi!!

remember you are the best!!

Piedelmundo...

Im so over Alan... and im so glad!!

Everytime i read all these things and remember how i felt
how i was dying for him 
and now im ok
i passed that situation 
i have to admit it was so long 
but not for ever as i thot....

This bday... 
i have to tnk to the one who made my happiness possible 
unfortunally 
is  the same ill be crying for the next days...

it just finished when we were to move together 
to have a life as a couple 
but...
tech doesnt lie!!

if tech says he was talking with someone 
he was 
if tech says he has another account 
he does 
everybody lies 
tech doesnt lie!!

Well... 
just hope for my next bday im not alone again

and maybe i have the one for me by my side...
im tired of being alone
i need to be loved for real
and love back
or at least 
be sure that the hand that is holding my hand 
respect me 
there are many meanings for love 
my part 
love is respect
is to give first 
to have that feeling that u cant live without the other 
is that pain in your tummy when u think about that person
is to try untill your heart cant have more wounds, then u have to realize that u have to love u first!!

im sad...
i didnt start the rain
but those wet days are coming i can feel it!!

Piedelmundo...