Well... what can I say... poor woman, hearing me for more than an hour straight, i learned a lot about myself and most of all my family,,, but as I mention to Therapist,,, ehhh wait
lets call her Mrs T.. want to give her a name, far from her name and yet make it easy for me as this is just the beggining of this journey...
As I mention to Mrs T, my family "that part that is NOT, my Beloved Husband and are not My Perfect Children",,, but uncles, parents and brothers... The Others!! wonder what face Mrs T would make if I say The Others in front of her... jezz...
I started listing things, issues, behaviors, so she may find the root that gives me this craziness...
Am I Crazy, yes, no, Maybe?? I D K, yet. but i could read on her face
"mmm What color do I want my new bathroom floor on the 3d floor? this therapy will give me for that and for a jacuzzi on the first floor... I'm not saying bcz she looked bored but "what an interesting background".
Crazy Yes, no, maybe... I D K... yet it was very nice to check in my brain for all that information, get lost when i was talking and finding myself again.
How do I feel today... lost, scared and ready to find the way out of this depression!!
I leave there for now... let's see how it goes the next time or in between!!
It was written back on april with the others but I made a big mess of all of them, taking pieces here and there to hide what I was feeling, on saturday I got the reality hiting my face and taking my words away...
then... if my words and feelings are not important anymore I can share it without fears and continue living...
there is a future waiting for me and this time I will think of me first!!
Llevaba ya varios dias sin utilizar mi mente, en un intento de subsistir con esa caotica idea venida de una fuente peor que la mia, me iba acotumbrando a no pensar, ser un cuerpo sin ideas ni opiniones, sin palabras propias en camino a mi propia tumba. En realidad me vi en ese valle sin vida, lodo seco bajo mis pies, mis ropas desgastadas y raidas por la lucha por seguir viva, mis manos ensangrentadas tras batallar contra ese collar de puas que me estrangulaba por conseguir algo de aire para mis pulmones, mi mirada sembrada en cada grieta de ese lodo y mi mente, fuera de forma, dandome la idea de que fui en busca de vida y encontre muerte.
Tras el viaje, de ida y vuelta, mas corto de mi vida; me meti en la cama y no necesite mirar por la ventana para saber que una hermosa curva plateada llenaba el ambiente, mi sonrisa, y recorde como 10 años antes, una noche vistiendo una falsa sonrisa, pude molestar a alguien mas, pero anoche, nadie vio mi sonrisa, solo yo; con mi respiraciòn en calma sonrei por estar viva. Ni siquiera me dedique a hacer un inventario de mi propio ser, de los daños, de lo que deje atras y de lo que logre salvar. solo respire profundo y en calma, cerre mis ojos, escuche mis propios latidos y sonrei por estar viva y ser libre, OTRAVEZ! Esta mañana, escuchando esos sonidos que tanto detestaba y deseaba eliminar de mi vida, mi mente se desesperò creyendo que era solo un sueño y que aun me encontraba presa, casi con mis ojos llenos de lagrimas, por la decepciòn, me apresure a abrirlos y me encontre en ese lugar que tanto he maldecido, en ese mismo hacinamiento donde ese ronquido del que tanto me queria deshacer, la noche anterior me arrullo y me llevo a un sueño en absoluta y verdadera calma, busque bajo mi almohada la libertad de ubicarme en el tiempo, volvi a respirar profundo sintiendo mis ojos humedecerse celebrando la libertad de estar viva y contemple ese lugar, abrazandolo agradecida por su existencia.
camine hacia la puerta para encontrarme con el mismo cuadro de cada dia, guarde para mi ese gozo de mi corazòn, camine a la parta trasera de la casa para levantar mis brazos al cielo para agradecer y pedir nuevamente un poco de direcciòn para mi vida, prepare el Cafè que tome entre mis manos en absoluto silencio, disfrutando cada trago rodeada de todo ese ruido de afuera, las voces de siempre, las mismas preguntas, los mismos comentarios y respire profundo tras la idea de haber besado a mi hijo por ultima vez, la ultima vez que le vi; tras la idea de haber abrazado a mi hija y haberle dicho que la amaba por ultima vez la noche anterior antes de hacer el viaje mas corto de ida y vuelta la noche anterior; tras la idea de haber evitado despedirme de mi madre quien habria identificado mi destino hacia la muerte tras esa despedida y esta mañana todos esos besos, abrazos, palabras, no son mas que una cotidianidad, que la vida y la libertad de pensamiento volvieron a tender una larga alfombra roja rumbo al horizonte para mi, que esto que me llevaba a la muerte menta, y real, ahora se ha convertido en un paso, un tropiezo, una ligera caida de la cual me levanto y continuo VIVA.
A mi mente, fuera de forma, aun en silencio o tal vez dejandome disfrutar de cada minuto conmigo, con una idea diferente de lo que queria escribir pero embriagada en este agradecimiento por PODER EJERCER MIS DERECHOS FUNDAMENTALES:
ARTICULO 13. Todas las personas nacen libres e iguales ante la ley, recibirán la misma protección y trato de las autoridades y gozarán de los mismos derechos, libertades y oportunidades sin ninguna discriminación por razones de sexo, raza, origen nacional o familiar, lengua, religión, opinión política o filosófica. ARTICULO 16. Todas las personas tienen derecho al libre desarrollo de su personalidad sin más limitaciones que las que imponen los derechos de los demás y el orden jurídico.
ARTICULO 18. Se garantiza la libertad de conciencia. Nadie será molestado por razón de sus convicciones o creencias ni compelido a revelarlas ni obligado a actuar contra su conciencia.
ARTICULO 19. Se garantiza la libertad de cultos. Toda persona tiene derecho a profesar libremente su religión y a difundirla en forma individual o colectiva. Todas las confesiones religiosas e iglesias son igualmente libres ante la ley.
ARTICULO 20. Se garantiza a toda persona la libertad de expresar y difundir su pensamiento y opiniones, la de informar y recibir información veraz e imparcial, y la de fundar medios masivos de comunicación.
ARTICULO 22. La paz es un derecho y un deber de obligatorio cumplimiento.
EL ARTICULO 22 HABLA DE MI DERECHO A LA PAZ QUE NO DEBERA SER MOLESTADA POR NADIE EN SU HORRIBLE DESEO DE HACER SOLO SU VOLUNTAD EN CONTRA DE LA MIA!! Y, AY DE AQUEL QUE SE LE OCURRA VENIR A VIOLARLOS QUE LA LISTA DE DEMANDAS PUEDE AUN CRECER Y EL PESO DE LA LEY CAERA SOBRE ELLOS. En pleno ejercicio de mis derechos me siento frente a esta pantalla, disfruto de cada sorbo de cafe mientras escribo cada palabra mientras, libremente, escucho musica; libremente, leo mi correo; libremente, contesto a todos; libremente y sin ser juzgada, reviso todas las notificaciones de otras personas que no conozco y no tienen nada que ver conmigo en mi Facebook; libremente, descargo todas las imagenes que deseo para futuros escritos; libremente me rio de la idea de esa mente convencida de que yo ya no pensaba y no tenia poder de moverme fuera de su manipulaciòn; libremente leo y re-leo lo que escribo sabiendo que es muy malo pero ejerzo mi libertad de escribirlo por que soy libre de expresarme y tal vez algun dia alguien podra comprender que aquello que a muchos puede atraer como es la inteligencia si no es bien apreciada se convertira en el arma utilizada en contra de ellos mismos.
Para quienes quieren imponer sus ideas sin tener una sola palabra de contradicciòn deben conseguirse algun analfabeta que le toque soportarles, que pueda, en realidad, tomar esa idea absurda de vivir absolutamente fuera de la sociedad, sin electricidad, con una mula a mano para ir a buscar viveres una vez cada 2 o 3 semanas
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA LIBREMENTE ME RIO DE ESE ABSURDO AL QUE ME QUERIAN LLEVAR recordando como pensaba que tal vez podria hacerle cambiar de idea pero que definitivamente tras discutir por una miserable botella de agua purificada, todo eso de no poder utilizar mis medios de comunicaciòn y tener que pedir permiso, tener que vestir lo que otro deseaba, tener que pasarme las noches en vela, ver esos ojos de odio, ver esas manos que me aterrorizaban cuando trataban de lavarme el cerebro, ese movimiento maniatico de esos dedos, y ¿tener que enfrentarme a una nueva regla? hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha ejerzo libremente mi derecho a la opinion y a la libertad de expresiòn y en voz alta digo ADIOS A ESE ABSURDO Y A TODOS LOS ABSURDOS IMPUESTOS!! Y ahora felizmente... contamino mi mente con musica, imagenes y estupideces que tal vez no me lleven a nada pero que me dan la idea de VIVIR BAJO MIS PROPIAS REGLAS!! ESTOY VIVA Y SOY FELIZ, no, no creo que vaya a pedir perdon, no creo que proponga nada, no creo que quiera regresar a dejar de dormir y ser insultada a cada instante. La arrogancia no es inteligencia ni es inteligente La sabiduria no tiene nada que ver con ser grosero y estupido Los verdaderos sabios e inteligentes tienen capacidad de escucha y comprensiòn!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAH HAY MUCHO POR ESCRIBIR Y YO TENGO COSAS QUE HACER ASI QUE POR AHORA SE LAS DEJO AHI!! Piedelmundo!!!
-Hola Sol, -Hola, buenos dias! -Estas lista desde tan temprano? -No es tan temprano, te dejaba descansar y ya sabes que nunca duermo. -Pobre Sol, ya no trato de escapar de ti, cuando lo vas a comprender?,Bueno, como digas, que tal si trenzas mi cabello mientras leo mi correo y las noticias? -Hare una trenza con tu cabello y el mio, que ya casi estan del mismo tono los 2 con tantas canas. -Jajajaja... si, ya lo se. Tonta Sol, y asi te preocupas y no duermes por que me escape de ti. Tonta Sol. -Que lees? -hhhmmm... Nada y mucho. La pregunta es... -Que quieres hacer? -Exactamente... Unos años atras me vi sentada al comienzo de un largo puente hasta que llego el dia en que me canse de esperar y simplemente recogi mis cosas, le di la espalda a ese puente y me eche a andar, despues me arrepenti y quise volver pero, no estaba errada en la decision que tome y aunque tarde un poco logre superar ese sentimiento de arrepentimiento, mirando la verdad de todo frente a mi. Estaba harta de verme alli sentada, dia tras dia, dejandome engañar
Hace algunos meses, me encontre paralizada por un fango que entre mas me sacaba mas me hundia, no podia ni pensar, enferme tanto que perdi la razon mientras estuve alli sumergida creyendo que ese fango era parte de mi dieta alimentaria, de la manera mas increible un dia sali de alli, no se si fui yo quien se salio o me sacaron pero se que me senti tan aliviada cuando por fin saque mis pies de alli. pase algunos meses tratando de curar con saliva algunas de mis heridas, escondiendome del mundo, hasta que pude mirar nuevamente a las personas y sobretodo dejarme ver. Mientras sucedia todo esto tuve la oportunidad de verme ignorando algunas ventanas, y por ultimo cerrando de un portazo una pequeña ventana que solo me traia aires contaminados. Pero hoy, me veo como ese dibujo no terminado en espera de la siguiente palabra en el poema o la novela, esa heroina cansada de ser el dibujo de una mujer mirando tras la ventana, esperando lo que nunca llegara o que llegara despues de tantos siglos cuando sus ojos vidriosos ya no puedan ver mas y su cuerpo cansado solo se dirigira a su lecho de muerte diciendo, "ahora ya puedo morir en paz, en el mas alla te espero", PATETICO!! pero no se que hacer... algo si tengo claro, Sol, y es que lo que veo para mi futuro es una mujer pasando sus atardeceres tranquila en su soledad, tomando cafe, en la terraza de alguna casa a orillas de un risco donde golpea el mar fuertemente. Que quiero hacer? no se... no quiero darle la espalda a nadie, quiero seguir disfrutando de la buena lectura y a mi modo interactuar con las personas pero a la vez quiero que sepan que creo y no creo, que me comó todos los cuentos y que esa sonrisa al final del cuento significa "en tu tonteria imaginas que mi tonteria es verdadera pero no creo ninguna de tus historias si ya he escuchado tantas y tantas he inventado que ya me no me quedan mas por escuchar ni inventar. -Que quieres hacer? -No se, Sol, nada pierdo ni nada gano, nadie me quitara mi cafe matutino ni me dará nada mas de lo que ya poseo, solo no quiero tener mas sobre-información de la que ya mi mente utiliza para alimentarse. no se que quiero hacer, Sol, o tal vez si... DEJAR DE ESPERAR NADA!! Piedelmundo!!
And here I am... drunk till my bones or dizzy with all those words of your songs, tales, or journeys I take another drink of whatever is in my cup look around and your are there. you noticed I read all you have. I turn my face to the other side with a smile on my lips to my Coffee Snob friend I look at him while he is explaining something to me. something I don´t hear but I move my head as I understood He has the same look as you glasses, fit, white, and the same language in his tonge. watching him i think, For the next Dating site profile I will ask for no glasses and on the reaserch will put average to overweight, or, I already got an overweighted guy and didn`t work neither. I can´t remember my friend`s name, something with a letter of the alphabet but the fact that we don´t have or share anything but the love for his language and the desire of leaving our countries, he has a fetish with women stockings I look at myself and what I´m wearing?, nothing like stockings which reassure we are not on a romantic date. he continues with his long monologue. I ask the waitress to refill our cups, ask my friend to stop talking too fast, and look at you again. There you are with your new; young; cow, someone who could be your daughter, I wonder, how much did you pay for that? and, actually... What is your name? something with an R or, A or, C or, D or, J or, A or, what? and a foreignor lastname, longer than mine; if any lastname could be shorter; from somewhere, I know you better than you do yourself, your life is described on those lines I read. And made me sick. I have read your entire life on tales, songs. or journeys and got so sick till the coffee I´m drinking with my friend taste like alcohol. Thinking of my dizziness I turn my face to S, interrupt him touching his arm and tell him to look at you, -Do you remember the man I´m talking about since I met you? -yes, but, I can´t remember the name. - Haha. S, good try, but no, I didn´t mention that and I can´t, really, recall his name, what I remember is his life He is someone missing someone, a writer, someone who loves to go hiking, a musician, white, fit, a man who wear glasses. You see S, even you, have the same description. but; don`t worry; you are safe! only if your name were Hugh Laurie or Adam Levine I could see you as that piece of flesh to satisfy my desire. but you are not, then as him you can think I´m on my jeans trying to find a girl for myself, you can call me anytime to drink coffee or beer and even spend a night together and nothing will happen. S, placed a hand on my shoulder and laughed like crazy, - didn`t you desist on that, lesbian, idea? -I, sure, did. but my lace is not available for you nor for him, maybe for a night when my body betray my mind and want to call him, then I`ll wear my lace with stockings and... The waitress interrupted the stupid conversation with S putting a bottle of alcohol in front of me saying "from the gringo" I looked at the bottle and say - S? my friend break laughing and the waitress says; sorry, no, the one there turning her eyes to you. S; says, on his particular way- someone is trying to get your attention and laughed more when we turned our faces to you and you`re attached to your younger cow. - you think?, I say, changing my position to see you directly, I think you`re in trouble, Constantine, he knows and suffered my allergies and a bottle of my fave vodka could kill me, He wants me death and you, in jail. Where is my shrimp? I ask to the waitress. she comes to ask how I want my shrimp, - No, where are my shrimps from the gringo there, -no, he didn`t order shrimps for you. she replayed. S, had to go to the restroom, and I`m looking at you directly while you`re attached to that young cow lips with your eyes open looking on every prospect and reaction in the room, untill your eyes find my eyes, I smile at you, and you get dettached from her lips, I find in my mind that face I used to show you when I was grateful, took the bottle with my left hand and show you my allergy pill on the middle finger of my right hand with a sign and put it deep in my mouth on a fake sexy movement, broken with my laughter, but from my very inside, the words "I love you" without sound came across my lips showing you I already forgave you and wish some of your charaters to forgive me someday. S, is back and ask me what was that, I look at him directly and respond - A sincere and simple offer of friendship, I say, and don`t worry, If my mind betray me sometime and I want to call him, I will wear some lace and stockings but I rather eat my hand, even when I hate masturbation so bad, so don`t worry... our friendship is safe! Piedelmundo!!
I`m not writing about what the song says, but what C.V. says at the end of the recording, "Tengo otro que es peor" "I have another that is worse" which I always repeat when someone try to make me feel gross by describing disgusting things, then I say something worse and laugh saying "I have another that is worse"...
the other version of that phrase is when people tell me I`m too bad, then I respond "And I was worse before".
I´m not in the mood to explain why... things are what things are and we shouldn´t expect anything from anybody, good or bad, because the givers get tired of giving all the time, and people can change.
I will leave it here... I, just, don´t expect anything good or bad from anybody, I, just, live my days laughing with the man of my life and the girl I love...
hahahhaha... what a bad post, and I have ANOTHER THAT IS WORSE!!
I really don´t know where to start... I need a favor a little one... I wont start putting things bigger or give extended explanations for anything It could be easier to ignore everything and continue walking but... bcz of how I felt this time I need to ask for that favor
I know your intention is to show up and my intention was to simply ignore you till the end of my days...
Then, after analizing the situation knowing this is very easy for you to make comments as it is easy for my mind to bring all those terrible months and how I got judged by you, of being so negative and so...
I, really, don´t have to make a list of what happened how those months affected me emotionally physically psicologically socially
I´m under Re-construction learning and enjoying my process For u.. I wish the best so please... stay ok and FAR from me
When someone ask or talk about u Everytime my mind bring u up, (11 months are not 2 days and u damaged me) I´m not smiling
So... Please stay ok and far from me I don´t need ur comments on my things as u can read and see how I evolve Good bye!! Remember... Good riddance to you! Piedelmundo!!!
I`m on an English course to have the certification, I have to send an audio talking about my family... Yesterday I made a couple of attempts of those audios or videos, but at the end I got horrified with my english I NEED TO PRACTICE MY SPEAKING, THINKING, WRITING, DREAMING, and listening? I don`t think I need to improve my listening but STILL Aaaahhhhhh... Terrible... I`m so sad about, I will show you my english videos. Can imagine those faces judging me (as usual) bcz of my bad english grammar, pronunciation, vocabulary, etc, etc, etc...
Well... I will take what I got last night as an inspiration of what I want to talk about, I wont go on details about what it said or anything like that, but what came to my mind. 20 years ago I had a good friend, we were like sisters; going everywhere and sharing almost everything; after a while she left Colombia because she finally got her citizenship for her husband country, we lost contact, but thanks to Facebook we found each other, again, the situation got to be different since the time has passed and we didn`t have much to talk about, through chat or e-mails. All my life I have been seen as a person who doesn`t have a filter in her mouth to say anything and even being that person who doesn`t know what is the phrase that goes first or after; then, my friend used to tell me I had to change my way and I agreed with her. I changed on those 20 years and actually faced many times people who doesn`t, really, have a filter and do not have the idea of what to say first when they have to meet someone, but I never say anything because I accept people how they are and some people is not willing to change or their neurones, just, don`t match and reproduce. But I`m nothing to judge anybody. When I got in touch with her again, 8 years ago, we chatted and she started to check on my pictures and made comments there; her comments were not what I would expect from her as a friend, she seemed more to be an enemy but I took that as jokes and didn`t replay how she deserved, one time I made a comment on one of her pictures and it was "what happened to you?" she got mad and on an e-mail explained the last 3 years of her life, I understood and replayed to her that all that happened is in the past and she was better then, after that I found two comments from her, one saying she hope I don`t have to use glasses for reading because I look terrible and more with them and the other was about those bad thing I should be doing with my life since the application of how I would look when I`m on my 70`s is showing a terrible picture of a horrible old lady... I got like eehhmmm... Ok hahahhahah and just replayed saying "I think you have to check on yourself first" and she blocked me.
Last nite all that came to my mind Then my question is, am I expecting too much from people? Maybe, am I not comprehensive enough? Then what if I take out my filter and start saying things the same way people hit me? What if turn to be who I was before and live by what I think without caring of the others?
I`m not sure if that is what the "DETACH" process is about; think, love, and care about myself first and only, so... who cares about what I say or what the people says if we shouldn`t expect anything, if we accept people how they are but if we don`t accept we just leave... But we are not robots we are humans.
Well... me? I will continue wearing whatever I like and if anybody don`t like I will respond with a Phrase I heard one time, "Si a mi marido y a mi me gusta como me veo, que me importa a mi que a ti no te guste" If I like and my man likes how I look, I don`t care if you don`t like. and wont expect anymore for those, basice, rules of social life and if I expect something I will expect on my future that will bring the best only, no matter what is left on the way.
