My Life In a Backpack

When I was a little girl, the idea of going out for days filled my mind with an infinite number of questions as what would we eat? where am I going to sleep?, etc... 
Once we went to sleep on the beach and the experience got to be something I can`t, really, recall; I was sick and we were nervous of me having an episode and then having to run back home or at least to find a doctor. 

When I got marry at my 18 years old, I moved to another town, far from home, alone with another kid  and four big bags with all my stuff.
Coming back home, still married, I carried one backpack and a little purse, my husband  followed me months after with the other things and more gotten on those 3 or 4 months spent in that fake new home town where I found the reality for an 18 years old, married woman.

Some years after that, when I was decided to be a confined wife, mother of a couple of beautifull kids we jump to a new adventure, moving to another country... 
I left behind all my things; washer machine, stove, bed, kids beds, millions of kids toys, etc... 
An entire life got left behind because of the great idea of having a better life... 
What A Better Life!!
At least I left that comfort zone of being a desperate house wife who didn`t love her life but thought there were anything else to live.
Then I saw everything around as I can live without or I can live with.
A life after messing all my life and messing it again and again, I took all my things, or at least all the things I thought I needed, filled 4 big bags again and returned to my own country.
Lived in slow burningtown for a year, and flew to my own city found a job and new people who got to convince me of growing roots there, got a few of things but lived looking by the window for the day when I find my way out of there and  him (the one who will love me, who I love) a free, happy soul who I can trust. I found my steps comin back to burningtown. 

But a month ago, I filled my little backpack with some stuff I would need to live, feeling nervous and insecure left the house, but came back before I expected. left my backpack filled with all the stuff with the stupid hope of leaving before I expected but... one day I came back and emptied my backpack to fill it with daily things for little trips, watched that backpack there calling me, asking me for a date to leave, thought about selling my soul and step into a new adventure for a week, a month or a life, but, but, but... 
I promised to myself I would wait for..., my words, 2 years? hhahahahaha yes, sure!! hahahaa but I don`t want to have to deal with a new asshole for now,  then... mmmmm??
Do I want to contact him? or him? they are always on a rush and I have things to do for my own... I don`t need to live for someone else I have my own life and troubles.

That is not the subject... 

From my recent, recent recent past, Oh Come on, listen to your self V "PAST" I got a bunch of things that filled my mind, a bussiness, a partnership, laughter, JOKES, JOKES, STUPID JOKES. then what?? a flight ticket.  mmmmmhhh... my backpack jumped on my lap...
Without filling it again I started to think about anything else and left the bag on the floor for later, 
Jokes, more jokes, rules, and jokes then... my own mind working  Jjmmmm 

I, still, looked in my bag and I just need some clothes and I will be ready to leave... 


I have my basic life in a backpack.... I always thought about that people that is jumping from one country to another as a homeless comunity... can I be a part of that? What would my family think? what would the people say? would I survive?

answers... I don`t know
                nothing different of what they already think
                I don`t care... 
                I don`t think

At my 40`s I have my life in a backpack...


Piedelmundo!!! 

Todas Las Cosas Suceden Por Alguna Razon

Alguna vez cuando era niña, ya incursionada en esto de la lectura en algún libro de Garcia Marquez del cual, muy lamentablemente, no recuerdo el titulo lei algo que fue mas o menos asi.

La madre de algun X soño que algo sucederia y ello lo compartio con su X hijo, X fue al billar y alli no pudo realizar bien un tiro muy facil gracia a que su mente se encontraba ocupada con lo que su madre le dijo, su contrincante le pregunto que le sucedia y por que habia perdido ese tiro tan facil y X se lo compartio, de alli se fue corriendo la bola de que algo sucederia en el pueblo y todos llevados por el virus de la información compraron mas cosas en la tienda y estuvieron preocupados preparandose para lo que sucederia, por la tarde la madre de X salio a la terraza y al ver a todos en semejante afan afirmo "yo les dije que algo sucederia, y ya ven" quien ocasiono todo fue su mente y las demas personas se dejaron contaminar.

Siempre he dicho y pensado que todas las cosas suceden por alguna razón hace algunos años atras me contradijeron con tal fuerza basados en la idea de que debemos ser tan fuertes y hacer nuestra voluntad nosotros mismos sin importar lo que suceda en nuestro entorno, yo, como siempre, decidi tratar de analizar la idea y si esta podria ser probada basandome en mis experiencias anteriores y lo que podria suceder en mi futuro.

Creo que no llegue a ningun lado en mi analisis si muchas cosas que suceden no son mas que las consecuencias de nuestros propios actos.
algunas cosas que creemos pueden ser buenas nos dan al pasar algún tiempo un resultado negativo inesperado
algunas otras cosas que nos llenan de depresión y pensamos que son lo peor que nos podria suceder resultan ser la tabla de salvación ante algo que no podiamos o queriamos ver antes.

Ahora recuerdo una fabula china 

Una historia china habla de un anciano labrador que tenía un viejo caballo para cultivar sus campos. Un día, el caballo escapó a las montañas. Cuando los vecinos del anciano labrador se acercaban para condolerse con él y lamentar su mala suerte, el labrador les replicó:

“¿Mala suerte? ¿Buena suerte? … ¿Quién sabe?”.

Una semana después, el caballo volvió de las montañas trayendo consigo una manda de caballos. Entonces los vecinos felicitaron al labrador por su buena suerte. Éste les respondió:

“¿Buena suerte? ¿Mala suerte? … ¿Quién sabe?”.

Cuando el hijo del labrador intentó domar uno de aquellos caballos salvajes, cayo y se rompió una pierna. Todo el mundo consideró esto como una desgracia. No así el labrador, quien se limitó a decir:

“¿Mala suerte? ¿Buena suerte? … ¿Quién sabe?”.

Una semana más tarde, el ejército entró en el poblado, y fueron reclutados todos los jóvenes que se encontraban en buenas condiciones. Cuando vieron al hijo del labrador con la pierna rota, le dejaron tranquilo. ¿Había sido buena suerte? ¿Mala suerte? … ¿Quién sabe?.

Todo lo que a primera vista parece un contratiempo puede ser un disfraz del bien. Y lo que parece bueno a primera vista puede ser realmente dañoso. Así pues, será postura sabia que dejemos al tiempo decidir lo que es buena suerte y mala suerte, agradeciendo lo bueno que nos traiga.

Hoy dia  en que no se a donde va mi vida e irremediablemente me quedo de pie con mis ojos cerrados ,esperando que algo suceda, puedo afirmar que muchas cosas pueden suceder por esa tormenta que creamos en nuestro propio interior, pero que a la vez gracias a esas tormentas creadas por nosotros mismos podemos ser salvados de algo peor que no podiamos ni queriamos ver. 

Le temo al sufrimiento, no creo que nadie ame sentir dolor o simplemente sufrir, las lagrimas si no son producidas por la risa incontenible no son bellas y nada tienen de admirables ni inspiradoras, ni aun las lagrimas de una madre al ver a un hijo partir y mucho menos si esa madre sufre por los malos actos de ese hijo... pero ese es otro tema, la cuestion es cuan preparados podemos estar para afrontar las situaciones o si peor aun nos aferramos a un sufrimiento por miedo a sufrir.

Me atrevo a afirmar que durante 11 meses estuve aferrada a un sufrimiento incesante y estuve aferrada por que le temia mas a sufrir soledad, el día en que me desprendi de ese sufrimiento cometí actos que me obligaran a alejarme y el solo pensar en ellos me provocara verguenza personal, todo para asegurarme de que no regresaria a ese sufrimiento por ningun motivo, al salir de ese lugar me fui sin siquiera mirar atras por que el miedo al supuesto sufrimiento que me enfrentaria iba a ser mayor, no con orgullo lo digo, con mis compañeros hice un trato del dia en que me vieran postear en mi Facebook un vallenato de moda ese dia estaria llorando mi soledad sufriendo, todavia me encuentro esperando ese dia en que sienta ese dolor intenso por haber soltado ese sufrimiento y la verdad creo que tanto sufri mes tras mes, dia tras dia; tanto me enferme fisica y psicologicamente que todo lo que debia sufrir lo hice mientras estuve alli y salir no era mas que volver a vivir.

En 2011 me negaron la Canadiense, buena suerte, mala suerte, quien sabe? me salve de vivir con un hombre con baja autoestima, mentiroso y mas... 

2013 me despidieron de mi trabajo, buena suerte, mala suerte, quien sabe? pude hacer muchas cosas que deseaba y entre en un trabajo mejor. 

2014 me despidieron de mi trabajo, buena suerte, mala suerte, quien sabe? fue un detonante para salir de ese sufrimiento.

2015 he regresado a casa, buena suerte, mala suerte, quien sabe? voy creciendo como persona, nada es facil, pero la felicidad se encuentra en saber disfrutar de todo lo que nos va sucediendo. a mis 40´s espero poder encontrar esa pequeña casa donde pueda habitar con mi soledad en completa tranquilidad tomando mi cafe por las mañanas y por las tardes frente al mar o tal vez acompañada. 

Buena suerte, mala suerte, quien sabe? anoche soñe que me tragaba una gran serpiente rosada, y esta comenzo a vivir dentro de mi sin hacerme ningun beneficio pero sin dañarme, alimentandose de lo que yo comia.

Buena suerte, mala suerte, quien sabe?  se los dejo ahi!! 

Piedelmundo!!

Sick with Tales, Songs and Journeys

And here I am...
drunk till my bones
or dizzy with all those words of your songs, tales, or journeys
I take another drink of whatever is in my cup
look around and your are there.
you noticed I read all you have.

I turn my face to the other side
with a smile on my lips
to my Coffee Snob friend
I look at him while he is explaining something to me.
something I don´t hear but I move my head as I understood
He has the same look as you
glasses, fit, white, and the same language in his tonge.
watching him i think, For the next Dating site profile I will ask for no glasses
and on the reaserch will put average to overweight, or, I already got an overweighted guy and didn`t work neither. 

I can´t remember my friend`s name, something with a letter of the alphabet
but  the fact that we don´t have or share anything but the love for his language and the desire of leaving our countries,
he has a fetish with women stockings
I look at myself and what I´m wearing?, nothing like stockings which reassure we are not on a romantic date.
he continues with his long monologue.

I ask the waitress to refill our cups, ask my friend to stop talking too fast, and look at you again.
There you are with your new; young; cow, someone who could be your daughter, I wonder, how much did you pay for that? and, actually... What is your name?
something with an R or, A or, C or, D or, J or, A or, what? and a foreignor lastname, longer than mine; if any lastname could be shorter; from somewhere, I know you better than you do yourself, your life is described on those lines I read. And made me sick.

I have read your entire life on tales, songs. or journeys and got so sick till the coffee I´m drinking with my friend taste like alcohol.

Thinking of my dizziness I turn my face to S, interrupt him touching his arm
and tell him to look at you, -Do you remember the man I´m talking about
since I met you?
-yes, but, I can´t remember the name.
- Haha. S, good try,  but no, I didn´t mention that and I can´t, really, recall his name, what I remember is his life
He is someone missing someone, a writer, someone who loves to go hiking, a musician,  white, fit, a man who wear glasses. You see S, even you, have the same description. but; don`t worry; you are safe!
only if your name were Hugh Laurie or Adam Levine I could see you as that piece of flesh to satisfy my desire. but you are not, then as him you can think I´m on my jeans trying to find a girl for myself, you can call me anytime to drink coffee or beer and even spend a night together and nothing will happen.
S, placed a hand on my shoulder and laughed like crazy, - didn`t you desist on that,  lesbian, idea?
-I, sure, did. but my lace is not available for you nor for him, maybe for a night when my body betray my mind and want to call him, then I`ll wear my lace with stockings and...
The waitress interrupted the stupid conversation with S putting a bottle of alcohol in front of me saying "from the gringo"  I looked at the bottle and say - S? 
my friend break laughing and the waitress says; sorry, no, the one there turning her eyes to you.
 S; says, on his particular way- someone is trying to get your attention and laughed more when we turned our faces to you and you`re attached to your younger cow. 
- you think?, I say, changing my position to see you directly,  I think you`re in trouble, Constantine, he knows and suffered my allergies and a bottle of my fave vodka could kill me, He wants me death and you, in jail. Where is my shrimp? I ask to the waitress.
she comes to ask how I want my shrimp, - No, where are my shrimps from the gringo there, 
-no, he didn`t order  shrimps for you. she replayed.
S, had to go to the restroom, and I`m looking at you directly while you`re attached to that young cow lips with your eyes open looking on every prospect and reaction in the room, untill your eyes find my eyes, I smile at you, and you get dettached from her lips, I find in my mind that face I used to show you when I was grateful, took the bottle with my left hand and show you my allergy pill on the middle finger of my right hand with a sign and put it deep in my mouth on a fake sexy movement, broken with my laughter, but from my very  inside, the words "I love you" without sound came across my lips showing you I already forgave you and wish some of your charaters  to forgive me someday.

S,  is back and ask me what was that, I look at him directly and respond  - A sincere  and simple offer of friendship, I say, and don`t worry, If my mind betray me sometime and I want to call him, I will wear some lace and stockings but  I rather eat my hand, even when I hate masturbation so bad, so don`t worry... our friendship is safe!


Piedelmundo!!

Expectations...

Well... I will take what I got last night as an inspiration of what I want to talk about, I wont go on details about what it said or anything like that, but what came to my mind.

20 years ago I had a good friend, we were like sisters; going everywhere and sharing almost everything; after a while she left Colombia because she finally got her citizenship for her husband country, we lost contact, but thanks to Facebook we found each other, again, the situation got to be different since the time has passed and we didn`t have much to talk about, through chat or e-mails.

All my life I have been seen as a person who doesn`t have a filter in her mouth to say anything and even being that person who doesn`t know what is the phrase that goes first or after; then, my friend used to tell me I had to change my way and I agreed with her. I changed on those  20 years and actually faced many times people who doesn`t, really, have a filter and do not have the idea of what to say first when they have to meet someone, but I never say anything because I accept people how they are and some people is not willing to change or their neurones, just, don`t match and reproduce. But I`m nothing to judge anybody.

When I got in touch  with her again, 8 years ago, we chatted and she started to check on my pictures and  made comments there; her comments were not what I would expect from her as a friend, she seemed more to be an enemy but I took that as jokes and didn`t replay how she deserved, one time I made a comment on one of her pictures and it was "what happened to you?" she got mad and on an e-mail explained the last 3 years of her life, I understood and replayed to her that all that happened is in the past and she was better then, after that I found two comments from her, one saying she hope I don`t have to use glasses for reading because I look terrible and more with them and the other was about those bad thing I should be doing with my life since the application of how I would look when I`m on my 70`s is showing a terrible picture of a horrible old lady... I got like eehhmmm... Ok hahahhahah and just  replayed saying "I think you have to check on yourself first" and she blocked me.

Last nite all that came to my mind 

Then my question is, am I expecting too much from people?

Maybe, am I not comprehensive enough?

Then what if I take out my filter and start saying things the same way people hit me? 
What if turn to be who I was before and live by what I think without caring of the others?

I`m not sure if that is what the "DETACH" process is about; think, love, and care about myself first and only, so... who cares about what I say or what the people says if we shouldn`t expect anything, if we accept people how they are but if we don`t accept  we just leave... But we are not robots we are humans.

Well... me? I will continue wearing whatever I like and if anybody don`t like I will respond with a Phrase I heard one time, "Si a mi marido y a mi me gusta como me veo, que me importa a mi que a ti no te guste" If I like and my man likes how I look, I don`t care if you don`t like. and wont expect anymore for those, basice, rules of social life and if I expect something I will expect on my future that will bring the best only, no matter what is left on the way.

Piedelmundo!!