Then and Now!!

By this days is tnksgiving 

but im not sending it to myslf bcz of that 

im sending it to myslf 

bcz at this moment i have a presentation today 

i have the final exams the next week and have metodology by the 5th of dec 

also have the graduation of my kids 

and need to be focus on what i have to do 

but his memories are coming to my mind rite now 

to put me down 

and i dont need that 

i just want to know how im feeling by the end of my 2nd semester  at the university and how i did now 

i have to do my best to do well if i really want to do something for my slf 

it is very hard to imagine him 

with his little girl 

but i have to improve for myslf and do well 

what if after a while i look back and see that i didnt do good for someone that is not interested on me at all 

and i lost my time??

him and everything 

NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO VIVIAN YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW A DREAM 

AND YOUR DREAM WAS TO BE SOMEONE PREPARED 

AT A TIME YOU GOT DISAPOINTED BCZ HE IS JUST A TRUCK DRIVER 

U LOVE HIM YES 

BUT HE IS NOTHING AND U HAVE TO CONTINUE LIVING 

HE IS NO MORE WITH U AND THAT IS HARD 

BUT THE FACT THAT HE IS NOT WITH YOU 

DOESNT MEAN U HAVE TO LEAVE YOURSLF ALONE 

THERE SHOULD BE SOMEONE THAT WANTS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND YOU WILL FIND THE INSPIRATION AGAIN

JUST WAIT ON JESUS 

HE LOVES YOU 

EVEN WHEN U FEEL DOWN!! 

Well...

My life has change a lot 

someone came to my life and is already gone 

is something i have to fight with now

I´m having a hard time

last nite i dreamed of sleeping on the street literally 

trying to be focus on those two important things on my life 

my kids 

and my university 

with my tears trying to come out once i let them  

but without a wall to hide them 

having to show a smile 

feeling more alone 

and sad than ever 

but with the mentality that God 

will raise me again... 

i mite send another card to myslf 

about all this situation now 

i really want keep all this in my mind 

dont forget what are the experiences im having 

to be able to appreciate every minute 

every kiss 

every hug 

every blessing 

when i have them again 

i dont know 

i really dont understand why now 

anything seems to get resolve easily and fast

and every step i make 

is, just, showing me that the only interested in me 

is me!!

but i know that in a while 

i´ll look back and will feel happy bcz i was able to pass 

all this situation!!

Im not good 

Im not happy 

but 

Im alive, have my kids 

and my university to feel good!!!

Piedelmundo!!

My Question...

My question...

When did i stop writting 

he mite be thinking that i still care about him

and want him back

which is not the case, 

i did write these postdated cards only 

but my feelings  now are totally different

Today is october the 10th 2013...

there are many reasons i dont want to write this

1) wont be read

2) have to be in english

3) dont want to cont crying 

4) and more... 

How i feel?? sad... before i was sad to give my words and dont get any response 

then i asked to dont be read  and i got a response... 

now my word dont get read 

then 

why to write? is like to waste the mind

waste the tears 

waste a life when maybe out there 

i can find some eyes that want to read my smiles

some eyes that want to respond...

but is not easy when i see those eyes everywhere and 

my fingers want to write for you 

now i can tell 

i am cleaning my house and closing my windows 

not to leave...

i will be there 

but not waiting for you

just waiting for my self to decide how i am going to stop crying for you

if one day 

you decide to visit me...

dont even ask 

just push the door 

i mite be there smiling 

if not 

is because im already dead... 

love you!!

Piedelmundo...

Heaven out of the hell Vs Hell out of the heaven!!

I just read something very interesting 

“La mente es tu propio lugar y en sí misma puede hacer un cielo del infierno y un infierno del cielo”

" the mind is your own place and by itself can create a heaven out of the hell or a hell out of the heaven."

My case,,, 

I think im trying to create a heaven out of the hell 

maybe the reality is that im creating a hell out of the heaven 

I cant tell

I just know that I´m taking what I can 

stealing joy from third parties 

crying my own tears 

because of my own mind 

my own fears 

my own selfesteem

disguising my internal loneliness with my laugh 

and paying with unconditional love 

those little pieces of companionship 

But maybe...

and just maybe...

That Joy is given to me 

just because i deserve it 

and want to be given to me...

my tears should desapear 

with all those fears 

with my low selfesteem 

I should laugh freely 

because I´m not alone

because there are more people 

than what i think, that really care of me 

and love me 

And... 

maybe... 

what im getting are not pieces of companionship

maybe, is love!! 

Aaahhh...

yes,,,i wrote the next part a month ago...

i didnt know what was to happen in my life 

the next days

i didnt know God had for me 

that joy for a young woman 

i didnt know at all... 

i wrote the next part a month ago 

when i was to die again

in my own space 

without knowing out there 

the life was waiting for me 

when i thot i had beg and fight

to continue breathing 

when what i knew as my life 

threw me away 

then i lived 

then i had joy

then i laughted out loud 

and decided to see my world 

with different eyes 

and now im taking  

what i can 

reminding that I´m still a woman

and loving every minute 

with a different mind and a different view of my future!!

Hi Vivi,

Well...

i chose that bears hug bcz, maybe, when we receive it 

we are in need of that

today we are sick, we have some time to be stupid.

actually im writting and postdating it to my slf 

bcz i just realized that all the messages i delete from my inbox 

go a recycle bin and those messages after a month will get erased 

so what i want to know is 

if my heart will erase tht easy too 

or if ill be worse or better...

i like this postdated cards bcz they give me a view of how i was 

and how i recover 

Well... i really hope we dont need that bear virtual hug 

instead of  that we are having kisses and hugs 

hahahha.... im asking too much, i wont be able to find someone that fast

or not to find someone else but to be able to change my feelings and accept 

what is available...

just hope im better!!!

piedelmundo...

Mirrors...

Since yesterday 
bcz of a couple of laughs 
I got the punishment from the destiny 
I saw the reality in front of me 
no doub
is the reality who gave me that slap on my face 
because I dont deserve any joy


After fighting with the blindness 
of who care of me 
and my stupidness 
of who think I´m worth to believe a lie 
After telling him I´m not blind to believe 
what he want me to believe 
just to raise my soul 
in my own loneliness 
realized I need more mirrors 
mirrors on every spot of this place 

mirrors dont lie 
mirrors show the truth
mirrors dont hide anything for later 
or just because they dont want to hurt u 
mirrors all over the place 

is what i need 
mirrors that show me the truth 
when i think things can change 
mirrors to show me my age 
to show me who I am 
and dont let me think i can be better than what  i am 
mirrors 
to realize that I cant ask for more 
since I dont have more to give 
since I´m not enough to delight my self 
then to delight others... 
and just have to wait for the decision of someone else 
if they want to stole that taken happiness 
I say is mine 
but is nothing more than that

I just realized I need more mirrors 
to dont forget my truth!!!

Piedelmundo...

Not 2 years after ;) ;) ;)

It was written back on Oct 4th...
Well...
Im glad at this point i´m ok
and not years after that 
Im smiling, 
looking forward to live 
my needs doesnt have the same name anymore 
and actually dont even think about him!!

Sometimes we, just, feel
life is unfair and that we will  never get up again
But one day
our luck, life and destiny change
with all our fears, 
we start living 
start walking again.
then somehow 
that pain is over 
and our heart decide to take the risk to love again  
we take the risk to live!!!

Well...

i never asked for something and cry for being heard 

and my words followed as demand...

but is better or is what i want to think...

i had a little hope  

now 

i have a smile 

because you were reading me 

and lots of tears 

because every word i will say 

wont be read 

all my feelings will go to the air 

and get lost...

you wont read me anymore 

and wont know  how i love you...

but i know u loved me 

i know since you are helping me

that´s what i asked for...

those words are so beautifull and i was so glad 

you were reading me 

but 

if they´re not doing anything

if they´re not reaching your heart 

just feeding your curiosity 

they come to be like a terrible joke 

nobody wants to say 

and no one wants to hear 

maybe one day...

in a couple of years i´ll come back to my words 

and cry again because they´re full of love 

but u didnt care of them 

or 

maybe one day 

in a couple of years or more 

i´ll come to them and be glad u never read them 

because we both found happiness...

wish the 2nd option

these days a friend told me  (no, i mite be sick of stupidness but im not ugly) 

i see you everywhere 

because i compare you with everybody!! 

i know 

im looking for you 

and dont let anybody to come in my life... 

avoid eye contact 

avoid smiles...

 i know i dont compare you 

and is not my fault if english is a short languaje...

but now on 

if someone remind me of you 

i´ll smile because you were the best thing i ever had

and think

maybe there is someone else for me

that can make me happy!! 

i hope... 

Piedelmundo!!